Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

Start from Chapter 1

Not long after Nick dumped me, I received a call from Gaylord Palms to come in for an audition for an entertainment role for ICE. If you don’t know, ICE at Gaylord Palms (and the other Gaylord properties) is not to be missed each holiday season. Your Thanksgiving and Christmas is greatly enhanced by the sheer spectacle of literally tons of artistically carved ice in breathtaking shapes, characters, and the immaculately stunning Nativity at the end of the tour. Needless to say, I was thrilled at the opportunity of working at Gaylord Palms. My part-time job at Disney was just not cutting it. As I alluded earlier, the Mouse does not like to pay very much. Although I auditioned for entertainment roles at Disney every 6mos with no offer, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was going to make this team either.

One might think that after being dumped that my confidence in landing this position would have been greatly mitigated—not so! Actually, I had a new found strength to improve myself in order for Nick to realize he shouldn’t have dumped me. That, and what did I have to lose??? Nothing. I filled out the application addendum and waited for my turn to be called back for the interview. I was glad that there was a face-to-face interview before the audition because I feel that increases the chances of landing a role. The human resources representative might see something in you that may help to counter-balance a poor movement routine during the audition. As fate would have it, I made it past the initial HR interview and went onto the audition.

I was so excited to continue on in the interview process. So often, I was used to getting rejected. During the audition, I put on a couple different costumes (due to character integrity, I shan’t name the characters). You cannot imagine how incredibly relieved I was that the auction did not consist of a comprehensive movement routine. Instead, getting to dress as the characters I hope to bring to life provided me the opportunity to show what I could really do. I studied entertainment, storytelling, performance, and more for years, and now I had the opportunity to put that into practice! The scholar became a practitioner. After the audition, I just had to wait to see if I was going back in to sign my contract. After what seemed like an eternity, the Entertainment leader came out and welcomed me to the DreamWorks Experience at Gaylord Palms. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it plays into the next guy in my life as well as a tragedy later.

Skipping ahead to just another day during the holiday season at the DreamWorks Experience. While browsing the latest selection on Grindr while between sets, I came across a guy who was cute, close by, and had a great profile. He was extremely close by, only 60ft away. Grindr can be scary sometimes haha. He was working the movie theatre where Puss in Boots 3D was showing. We began chatting on Grindr for a couple hours, and then we exchanged numbers. I also told him that I could come by when he was on break and I was between sets. I met Matt over in the concessions area at the movie theatre. He was a bit shorter than me, but had this deep sexy masculine voice that exuded sensuality. Asked him what time he was off that night, and he was off just 30mins after me. So, I offered to give him a ride home, and he accepted.

Thankfully, he did not live far from Gaylord. Partly because his stepdad worked as a chief at the resort. We learned a lot about each other during that relatively short drive form the resort to his apartment. Once at the apartment, he invited me in because his folks were out of town. We sat down in the living room to watch TV and did that for an hour or so. Then he invited me into his room. So as not to appear too easy, I declined the invitation and told him I really needed to get home. I went in to give him a hug goodbye and then he kissed me. A passionate kiss right on the mouth. Sounds romantic right? Well, not really. You see, he had awful breath—like make flowers wilt by breathing on them bad. One thing is sure, I was about to invest a lot of money in Tic-Tacs. Still, he seemed interested in me and I did enjoy his company. I suppose I would grow immune to his halitosis eventually.

We continued seeing each other for the next few weeks. We even took shopping trips together! Matt and I were quite the pair. Our areas of interest were quite different from each other, but we complimented each other nicely. New Years eve rolled around and my best friend Raul invited me and Matt over to his house for board games and food. And his family knows how to put out a spread! So many different kinds of foods—quite the bountiful buffet of delectable delights to dazzle the tongues as fireworks lit up the sky. I was excited that I actually had a date to a party. Matt and I were all over each other at the party and I was loving every minute of it. Midnight rolled around and I received my New Years Eve kiss. To this day, that is the only New Years Eve kiss I have ever received.

After I drove us home this evening, Matt and I began making out to start the New Year out right, and little by little the clothes came off. It wasn’t long before his hot firm body was pressed up against mine with beads of sweat forming on each of us as we intensely engaged in erotic foreplay. Up to that point, we had not had sex but it was clear that was the direction we were heading on that magical night. He grabbed the Wet Platinum from my bedside stand and lubed up his massive cock. I’m telling you, it was girthy. Like RedBull can big. I wasn’t sure if I should be scared or just ride it like a cowboy. If you’ve ever used a cucumber as a dildo, and realized that was a bad idea for your ass, then that is exactly how I felt. When he penetrated me, I was in shock! Pretty soon the shock wore off and he continued to hit that G-spot. The finish was amazing and we then held each other and fell asleep.

A few days later, Matt found out that he was not being kept on at Gaylord after the ICE season was over. I went over to his house to comfort him, but little did I know that it is I who would need comforting. After I arrived, he ran out to my car. Strange. Normally he waited in the apartment for me to knock on the door. He came out to my car and hopped inside. But, he told me that we needed to talk—well, I know what that means. He proceeded to tell me that he was moving to Minnesota to work at an indoor water park. And that since he was moving, he did not see any reason for us to continue dating. But of course, he wanted to remain friends. After all that, he had the nerve to ask me if I could get him into Disney that day. WTF??? I’d no sooner drizzle antifreeze on a toaster strudel and eat eat than get him into the parks after what he just pulled. Little by little, I heard less and less from him until I was unfriended on Facebook eventually. Incidentally, he started dating someone not two weeks after moving to Minnesota. So, I suspect that he was talking with this guy for weeks before I got dumped. I hope he gets crabs.

A few weeks after Matt dumped me, Gaylord Palms was holding its 10th Anniversary party. It was a huge event for all current staff. I’ve never been to a party quite like that one. Gaylord Palms pulled out all the stops in throwing its milestone birthday bash. I sat at a table with many of the other people I worked with over the Christmas season, and we even did a couple group dances. It was one of funnest times in my adult life. It was refreshing to be part of a work family that genuinely enjoyed our jobs and working with one another.

After the close of ICE, the entertainment cast was informed that Gaylord Palms was planning to keep many of the employees to carry over the DreamWorks Experience into regular daily operations. The emails were going to be sent out to everyone a couple days after the birthday bash. Well, the day had come that we were supposed to get emailed. My friend Josh texted me that morning to inform me that he was kept on and I heard from my friend Kira that she was also retained. I noticed in other friends’ posts that they were kept too. Then I received my email. I was not being kept on.

Devastated. Crushed. Disappointed. Heartbroken. Depressed.

I was so incredibly hurt by that email. For once in my life, I enjoyed my job and had an income that enabled me to meet my needs and not feel the stresses of not being able to pay bills or choosing between gas and food. How could this happen??? I was an exemplary employee and a model one at that. I picked up shifts, went in early, stayed late, and anything else that was needed for the show to go on. The very thought of having to worry about money again was enough to make me sick both physically and mentally. I wanted to call into my shift at Disney but I knew I could not afford that. I was feeling myself fall back into the place that I was at when I broke down after the rejection by my coworker and friend that you read about earlier in my story.

Rejected. Again.

I tried so hard, just to come away with nothing. Be thrown away like garbage. Back to the financial hard times that I thought I had been through and left behind. I had a bachelors degree, lots of experience, and still I found myself in a position that called every decision I made into question. How could this happen again??? I forced myself to go into work, but the whole time I was there, I kept thinking of how I  was making $9.00 an hour for a part-time job that showed little appreciation for my talents or knowledge. I was back to being a nobody at a company that spouts magic but delivers tragedy.

I began zoning off, slacking on my duties, and (from what I was told by others) completely aloof to any communication. I began thinking of killing myself later on that day because I had nothing to live for. I was at a place in my life that I hated, and felt entrapped by. Forbidden to achieve anything that would enhance my happiness. Whether that was a relationship or a career. I was a failure at both. No matter what I set out to do or accomplish, I was met with rejection. Realizing that I was not in a good place, I called my managers to inform them that I needed to talk to someone because I was a potential danger to myself.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. The workplace is not the place where you want to have a complete emotional and psychological breakdown. But, that is where I had mine. I was called up to the conference room where I was met with two of my managers. They wanted to know why I felt the way I did, and boy did I let them have it. Between being let go from Gaylord Palms and feeling unsuccessful and unappreciated at Disney, I had a lot of acute anger built up inside. After just spilling my guts to people who, looking back, could not care any less about me—I was just a front line CM—they asked me if there was anyone that I wanted to call.

And there was. I needed to talk to my friend Kristen. I tried her cellphone and she wasn’t answering. But, since I knew where she worked, I called the TV station and asked to be transferred to her office. Thankfully, the receptionist was new and didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to just transfer me to Kristen’s dressing room. I was never so happy to hear her voice when she picked up the phone. She and I met during my first class, my first year at Southeastern University, and remained friends since. Throughout the years, she often gave me advice that I either let go in one ear and out the other or only acted on parts of it. Looking back, I can completely understand why she felt I never listened to her advice. Because I wasn’t. At the time I didn’t think that way, but I completely notice it now.

I have no idea how long our conversation was, but it was probably shorter than it was in my mind. She and I talked about a lot of stuff in my life. She was holding up a mirror to me, so to speak. While on the phone with her, she recommended that I speak to a professional. She even looked up resources for me, and gave me numbers. I could have gone on speaking to her for a long time. I always loved our conversations. She and I don’t speak as often anymore. It’s probably because I never truly let her know that I appreciated her a great deal and that was compounded by my selfish attitude. So often, I would make the conversations about me and fail to ask her about her day. Wish I knew then what I know now.

After she had to go, I called the professionals she recommended to me. During the course of the conversation, the phone counselor asked me if I thought of hurting myself. And I had to reply yes, but I quickly followed the tup with not having a plan or anything. The counselor remained on the phone with me until I was much calmer than when I first called. Meanwhile, two of my managers sat across the table from me as I was working through my emotional and psychological breakdown. After the counselor and I were done speaking, my managers asked me if I needed to talk to anyone. I stated that I would benefit from speaking to someone. Of course, nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

Not long after I stated that I would benefit from talking to someone, paramedics arrived. What the??? I was strapped to a hospital bed and carted out of the building. And to make it worse, I was not taken backstage…I was taken out through the front door and through the guest areas. I was incredibly embarrassed. I thought that I was just going to be stabilized and released, but I was informed that I was going to Central Florida Behavioral Health to be committed. I was terrified. What had I done? All I wanted to do was talk to someone and now I am being taken to the looney bin. A place that I had been before. And now I am going back. What a clusterfuck my life was in.

Upon arrival at the nut house, I was informed that I had to turn in my cellphone, shoelaces, and everything else. No one even knew where I was. I asked if I could make a phone call, and they said I only had a few minutes to do so. I did not know whom to call. So, I called my roommate because he’s the first person who would notice that I was missing. His phone rang, rang, rang. No answer. I tried to text but the reception in the building was too low for a text. I called him back and it rang several times then went to voicemail. I began leaving a message but then the call dropped. When I tried to call back again, the nurses came inside the room and told me I ran out of time. Now no one was going to know where I was.

I had never been so scared in my whole life. This was worse than the last time because before I was at least surrounded by people I knew from work prior to going in. This time, I felt so incredibly alone. I was shown back to my room and left there. With no way to reach the outside world, I felt like a prisoner. A prisoner of of my own mind accompanied by being a legitimate prisoner of a mental hospital.

The next day, I was permitted to see the psychiatrist. I was determined to show him that I was of sound—sound enough—mind to be released back into the general public. despite still feeling like shit, I was no longer an immediate threat to myself and was never a threat to other people. With my IQ of 135, I knew I could think my way through this situation in order to regain my freedom. Since I studied sociology and psychology as an undergrad for my first degree before going to film school, I knew how to work with the psychological evaluation to all-but ensure my timely release. All around me, I was surrounded by the cast from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I was playing Scrabble, Bridge, and more. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy board games; but the folks with whom I was playing were like children.

After waiting most of the day to see the psychiatrist, it was finally my turn to speak to the doctor. I sat down with him and immediately began pleading my case to be permitted to leave. Of course, looking back, I am pretty sure it was the fact that I could not have my phone is the reason I wanted to leave so badly. And, no one knew I was here. No one. I half-hoped that my psychiatrist would be a Frasier-like professional who would would sit back and say “I’m listening” while I spoke. I don’t think I had ever been on edge the way I was in that office. This man held the key to my freedom, and I just had to get out of there. Aside from feeling like I didn’t belong there, I was missing work. And when you’re only working part-time at Disney World, a day missed can mean the difference between remaining in your home and being homeless.

My meeting with the psychiatrist was not terribly long. In fact, after I recited what I rehearsed in my head, he said that it was clear that I did not belong institutionalized and would fair better outside of the hospital. That being said, I was mandated to meet with a psychiatrist once a week for six months. Without health insurance, that was going to cost me the only arm and leg I had left. But, that was the price I had to pay for having a complete mental breakdown in the workplace. Not long after I left the psychiatrists office, I was permitted to use my phone. Of course, I had several voicemails on my phone from my roommate and parents. I called one of my friends/corkers from Gaylord Palms who lived out that way to pick me up. Thankfully, he did not mind. Within an hour or so, my belt and shoelaces were returned to me and I was allowed to wait in the lobby for my ride.

My friend Justin showed up and asked me where I wanted to go. I was famished because I did not want to eat the hospital food at the institution. So, I told him that he could take me wherever he wanted to go. I was just ever so glad to be out of there. If nothing else, I was scared into never having a breakdown again.

Continue to Chapter 9