Chapter 6

Continued from chapter 5

Start from chapter 1

The summer I graduated, Rosie, a friend of mine, was staging a show at the Orlando Fringe Festival. She asked me if I could assist her with marketing, ticket sales, and other strategic communications needs. She was and still is one of my favorite people, so I wasn’t about to say no. Starring in the production is another friend of mine from college so it was definitely going to be fun. The show was a huge success and my friend was incredibly happy. The only other time I have seen her happier was when she gave birth to her daughter.

We are all gathered around the pool with some food and beers for the wrap party! When from out of the dark, there was an individual knocking at the gate. I was swimming with another friend of mine when I made some smart ass remark about the mysterious person being a serial killer. The person went away after no one came down to the gate, but then after a few minutes came back around again. Turns out that he was a friend of Rosie’s, the star of the show, and my other friend. We shall call him Jacob. Jacob has been friends with that group for quite some time. He was so incredibly cute! I was smitten from the moment I laid eyes upon him. Isn’t this perfect??? After some sleuthing, I discovered that he was also single. Mutual friends and he’s single. Perfect combination. I really started to turn up the flirtatious heat and it pays off. He asks if we all want to go to a local club for Pride Night. That would be the first of many Pride nights that I would attend over the years.

While Rosie was getting wasted, Jacob and I were really hitting it off. It was my first time grinding on the dace floor. Yeah, I know it’s not a dance. It’s basically foreplay but it was all mine. I could feel his touch against my skin. My normally cold skin was feeling the gentle yet erotic touch of Jacob’s warm hands and body. Of course we began to makeout on the dace floor and then he took me outside and pushed me against the wall and proceeded to make it to third base. I was loving every second of it. After we finished and went back inside, it was apparent that Rosie needed to go home. So, Jacob and I helped her to the car and took her home. Rosie lived all the way out in St. Cloud; so after dropping her off, I suggested to Jacob that we may as well drive the additional hour to the beach to watch the sun rise. To my surprise, he said yes! Unfortunately, this is one of the only times in which I refer to a guy and use “he said yes” in the same sentence. Normally, it’s “he said no” or said nothing at all and just ghosts.

So Jacob and I drove out to Melbourne to watch the sun rise. Great thing about Florida is that you can watch the sun rise over the Atlantic and in the same day watch the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico. Since Jacob worked as a lead stage technician at the local municipal playhouse, we had lots to talk about. So refreshing to be able to talk to a guy with whom I share lots in common. The trip to the beach seemed to take no time at all and I loved every minute of it. This was the first time I did something this spontaneous.

We sat on the sands of the beach and gazed out across the water as the soothing sounds of waves crashed against the seashore. Jacob and I held onto each other. Never had I felt someone hold me like that before—it was intimate. With no one for hundreds of feet, and concealed by the dark with only the stars and moon to illuminate the shoreline, the clothes began to come off. I have always been self-conscious of my body even though I’ve lost a lot of weight over the years. Despite the weight loss, I still look in the mirror and see that fat guy taking phone calls at the Delta Air Lines reservations center. Fortunately, more recently, I’ve began to be quite proud of my weight loss accomplishments, but it’s taken a long time to get to this point. Knowing that Jacob was attracted to me, filled me with an unparalleled ecstasy that I had never felt before. I felt special. For those of you who have thought of making out or having sex on the beach, you’re going to get sand up your ass, and blowjobs will leave tiny pieces of sand and salt in your mouth. Still, it is truly worth it. That experience has stayed with me all these years. Partially because Jacob was the first guy to show interest in me to such a great extent and he accepted the love and affection that I so longed to give.

As we were making love right there on the beach, the sun began to rise. The yellows, oranges, and hues of blue steak across the eastern sky. Metaphorically, I wondered if this was the new day that I had been hoping for. While the sun was climbing from beyond the horizon, I was focussed on the rise between Jacob’s legs. With him at full mast, I was giving him the blowjob that would eclipse all other blowjobs that he had ever received. With the last part of the sun crossing the threshold of the horizon into the morning sky, he blew such an amazing load inside my mouth. Some of him was now in me. I really felt a special connection because only someone in love with another would go that far, right? After we continued to lie there next to each other, it was soon time to return to Orlando.

I was extremely tired and not in the state of mind to drive, so I asked Jacob if he wouldn’t mind driving back. To my surprise, he offered to drive. I was surprised because most of the time I felt like an unpaid chauffeur with other guys. So here we are cruising along. I am in and out of consciousness but still mildly aware of what’s going on around me. All of a sudden, Jacob begins to pull over to the side of the road. He got caught by a state trooper for speeding. Fortunately for us, the state trooper was forgiving and let Jacob off with a warning. So many memories from that first date with Jacob. What a wonderful first story! Meet at a wrap party, makeout at the club, drive to the beach to watch the sun rise, and get pulled over for speeding.

We arrived back at his pace and headed straight for his room to shower and clean off all the sand. Since I wear contacts, he even offered to run to the store in order for me to be able to take out my lenses and place them in a case with solution. So incredibly thoughtful. After showering together, we threw my clothes in the laundry and laid in bed. Later that morning, we woke up and Jacob’s sister, whom lived in the same apartment, wanted to go to lunch. Upon searching for my debit card, it became clear that I had misplaced it. So, I looked for it in the car. Couldn’t find it. Searched in Jacob’s bedroom. Still couldn’t locate it. After about 30 minutes of searching, I was left with the conclusion that I lost it on the beach. It must’ve fallen out of my pocket. Thankfully, it wasn’t my whole wallet. I left my wallet in the car but had my drivers license and debit card in my pocket from when we were at the club. As much as I wanted to go to lunch, I told Jacob and his sister that I lost my debit card and wasn’t able to go. It was then that Jacob did something really nice for me and offered to pickup my lunch. Wow. How thoughtful. So seldom had anyone ever thought of me like that before. Not a guy in whom I was interested.

Lunch went wonderfully! I was able to not only get to properly meet Jacob’s sister but her girlfriend as well. I know. What are the odds that both Jacob and his sister would be gay? Over lunch, it was decided that we would all go to the Double Tree where the majority of the Gay Days convention was happening. I had seen the billboards and other advertisements over the years but never went because I imagined that it was filled with lots of couples and since I wasn’t a couple, I didn’t want to go. Now that I had Jacob, I was interested in going! We all went back to Jacob’s apartment to get ready. As Jacob was changing clothes and me just continuing to wear what I wore the previous day (however, we had washed my clothes). Since I worked at Disney World and the three of them had annual passes, we planned to go to the parks after walking around the exhibit hall and vendor booths at Gay Days. Hanging with Jacob made me feel so good about myself. I finally felt like I was special, that I had the ability to attract someone that I wanted to date. No more Grindr or other apps; I could delete them all!

The most entertaining part of the exhibit hall at Gay Days was the toy store. I don’t think I had ever seen so many dildos and other sex toys. From costumes to bondage, everything was there. I learned that the best dildos are glass ones. Most of the events were not complementary and kind of pricey. I had always heard that the pool parties were intense and fun, but neither Jacob nor I were interested. I think we were too busy making out with each other while holding hands. I loved it. It was the first time in my life when I felt romantically loved. Not that I didn’t feel my family or friends loved me, but I was lacking that eros love that most people need. It’s that romantic love, that erotic passion, the unbridled ecstasy that is so desirable.

The following days were filled with text messages and phone calls. There’s a feeling that one can only get from waking up in the morning and there is a “good morning” text waiting on the phone. It’s a feeling of being wanted, desired, appreciated, and the feeling that someone treats you extra special. At the time, my life was not going well. I graduated and had to leave my nice dorm and move into a room in a trailer. Wasn’t a dumpy place, but it really wasn’t that nice either. My parents were worried about me when they left me there. But, when you can only afford $200/mo because all you have is a part-time job at Disney World, then you don’t have many choices. So, having Jacob in my life was all the more important because it provided some stability and an escape from the depressing situation I was in otherwise. When I was with him, I forgot the socio-economic state of my life. However, the disparities in my life would soon begin to pre-dispose me to being jealous of Jacob’s job and life.

It wasn’t terribly long before my positive demeanor began to take a turn for the negative. Looking back, I was not thinking rationally. Every chance I got, I passively worked into conversations how much better his life was than mine. Although I was going through a hard time after completing my undergraduate degree, I was taking it out on him. Him. My first boyfriend who I was so incredibly lucky to have in my life. We didn’t even meet online, grindr, or the like. Jacob’s replies to me slowly became more and more infrequent.

About two weeks after we met, I decided to get my hair cut into a new style. I had the same haircut for years and years. Since Jacob was so cute and I was so incredibly fortunate to be dating him, I thought that I would go for a different style so he would feel good about dating me. I mean, let’s be honest, he could do so much better than me. In this situation, I was clearly the reacher and he was the settler. Stopped at the salon near my place and told the stylist to do whatever she felt looked the best on me. She gave me the faux hawk style and I mostly keep it to this day because it really is the best style with my thinning hair and reseeding hairline—I hate my hair. I was so excited to show Jacob! I texted him and he replied with “we need to talk.” All of a sudden, I thought I was going to be sick. We hadn’t even been dating for two weeks and already I was getting the “we need to talk.”

The sunny skies began to turn grey and the clouds began to roll in as I drove down the interstate to meet him at Downtown Disney. I wondered why I wasn’t just going to his house. But, I thought that maybe he wanted to talk and then get something to eat—I know, I was naive. Gone was the sun and the lonely dark clouds began to cry. I waited for him in the parking lot for several minutes when he walked up to my car. Grabbing my umbrella, I stepped out and went to hug him and he stepped back. He completely skipped any and all pleasantries and said that he just couldn’t do this anymore. “I’m just not ready for a relationship. I thought I was but I really just need to work on myself right now.” The rain falling from the sky was soon o be no match for the flood of tears from my eyes. Even while I was standing in the rain crying, Jacob turned and left. Got in his truck and drove away. I don’t know how much longer I stood there, seemed like hours.

Eventually I had the strength to get back in my car. I honestly did not know how I made it home. Between the tears in my eyes and my lack of concentration and mitigated motor skills, it’s surprising that I made it across town at all. I walked in the trailer and went directly to my room. I was feeling so deeply hurt. There were times that I couldn’t breathe at all. The pain was so great that it felt like an elephant had just trampled me and crushed my spirit. Rejected. Rejection is a feeling that I knew and still know all too well. As a kid, my peers taunted and teased me every day. The rejection from my peers was so great that I would try to hurt myself or make myself sick in order to not go to school. It was happening again. Only this time, I thought that I would end the pain once and for all. With every intention to kill myself, I knew I had to be stopped. But, my will to resist was growing weak. I began texting Raul, telling him that I wanted to kill myself and needed help.

By this time, it was 2 or 3 in the morning. I was getting close to completely falling off the edge. I began contemplating just how to do it. I hate pain so it would have to be virtually painless. I had a punch of pain pills that I had been saving, and thought that I could just take those and be done with it. But between knowing that my death would break my parents’ and my sister’s heart and wanting to avoid pain, I was having a difficult time bringing myself to do it. It was then that there was a loud knock at the door. Raul and his cousin Carlitos were standing there and told me to come outside. I was hysterical at this point and was quite literally going crazy. What he did next would stick with me forever. SLAP. Right across the face he smacked me hard. Ironically, instead of growing angrier, I began to calm down. The tears were still rolling down my face but I was no longer acting like a lunatic. We talked for what seemed like hours outside. He did his best to reassure me that this was the first of many times that I would probably get dumped—just a fact of life for many people. But I could not allow this negative experience to take control of my life and cause me to think dangerous thoughts. He reminded me of the people that love me and that it is incredibly selfish to forget that. He and Carlitos would not allow me to go back inside unless I promised not to harm myself. That, I did. This is a powerful memory of mine and one that I was able to share at Raul’s wedding in September 2016. It really means a lot to me that he would drive to see me at 3 o’clock in the morning on a rainy evening.

I was eventually able to fall asleep. And yes, this was the first of many times that I would fall in love and get dumped. I suppose “the first cut is the deepest.” Baby, I know.

What ever happened to Jacob? Well, this same guy who told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship is now happily married. I know, right? When I heard the news, I wanted to vomit out of jealously. I’ve learned over the years that when a guy tells you that he’s isn’t ready for a relationship, what he really means is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Oh yeah, when he and his now husband announced their engagement and wedding date, they also started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for their honeymoon. I know, right??? How basic is that??? When I heard that, I just laughed out loud—seriously. I mean, using crowd funding for art, research, or innovation is brilliant and I am fully supportive of it. Using it for your vacation, is completely obnoxious.

Continue to Chapter 7