Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

Start from Chapter 1

After Justin picked me up from the institution, he and I went to Boston Market because it was convenient to the interstate and figured that it would have that home-cooked feel that may help me to feel better. I’d never been there before, and needless to say, I was disappointed in the fact that the food did not taste like a Sunday dinner. While I was at the restaurant, my parents called to tell me that they were on their way. Apparently, they found out that I was taken into the mental hospital and were on their way down to try to get me to move back home. You see, that just wasn’t possible because things had been quite rough between my parents (especially my dad) and me ever since I came out to them in Spring of 2010. In fact, my dad suffered from a severe, prolonged case of depression because of my “rebellious choice.” Makes perfect sense right? Like, I would consciously choose a hard road. Wish he could just accept and believe that I was born this way. Yes, he was still supportive financially but there was little to no emotional relationship there. He would always tell me that I was breaking his heart and that he did not raise me to be gay. That it was a choice that goes against everything that I should hold dear. Yeah, it was bad. So, I knew that them coming down to Florida was not going to be a pleasant visit. In addition to my parents, my maternal uncle was coming down too.

They arrived at my place that evening. Things were super awkward. I honestly didn’t know what to say or what to do. I just knew that I couldn’t go back home because I’d have to live a lie. Risk depression myself. Looking back through the years, I realized that a significant contributor to my childhood and adolescent depression was because I was lying to myself about my sexuality. Although I wish my parents would just accept me for who I am, there is no denying that they care deeply for me. And I realize that they want the best for me. It’s just regrettable that seemed unwilling to open their minds to the fact that perhaps I was born that way. I once heard it put this way: most people are born right-handed but some people just so happen to be born left-handed. That kind of encapsulates it. I mean, for a long time, left-handed people were forced to be right-handed, thus allowing for emotional and even physical scarring. I never suffered physical scarring growing up, but my parents did continuer to some emotional scarring directly and indirectly related to me coming out. Otherwise, I have wonderful parents. Just wish they would accept me for who I am. Anyway, I digress.

After they arrived, they asked me where I wanted to go. Honestly, Had no idea where I wanted to dine. I just knew that this was not going to be a pleasant dinner. I could pretty much predict that the topic of the conversation would be that I needed to come home and give up on making it work in Orlando. And furthermore, I knew that I would get a you need to stop being gay speech too. No matter what was going on in my life, whenever my dad would offer advice or just tell me what to do, it all circled back to the fact that I needed to stop being gay because I wasn’t raised that way. Still, I couldn’t ignore the fact that they obviously cared about my well-being because they drove all the way down at the last minute to make sure I was alright. I’ve never once thought that my parents didn’t care about me. Quite the opposite, I knew and still know that they do. Just wish I could be myself around them and be accepted for such. Sometimes I think that things would be better if they could learn to accept me (even if they personally disagree).

So, we wound up at TGI Fridays. Back then, I didn’t know how to pick out restaurants as well as I do now. We exchanged hellos and hugs, the conversation quickly went into the suggestion that I just packup and return home. I refused to entertain the notion that I needed to return home. I knew that if I went home that I could not be myself AGAIN. I would have to fake everything about my sexuality and physical attraction. I’d just have to be celibate. However, thinking back to that time now, perhaps it would have been a good idea to move back home since my life was about to get much more financially difficult before it would begin to get better.

It was nice getting to see my family even though we disagree on so much. There were many times that I felt truly alone and seeing them enabled me to feel less lonely. It had been a while since I dined out. There were times that all I had in the fridge was Texas toast and cheese. Having a steak was a tremendous delight. In my stubbornness, I was determined to make it work even though my finances were running out.

This was the middle of the week, so unfortunately, my family was unable to prolong their visit and had to head back north the next day. Although the awkwardness of our meeting was over, I was back to being alone and left with wondering how I was even going to make it. My rent was paid for that month, but what about the next? What was I going to do. All I was doing was working my part time job now. The only way to save money to make my rent was to reduce the amount I paid on my car insurance and stop paying on a credit card I had. All I had to do was make my rent and have money for food, and I could continue living where I was. Not that there was anything special about it. It was quite ordinary—nice—but nothing remarkable.

When I attempted to return to work the next day, I was confronted with an inability to clock in. Strange. I know I had a shift. When I went to the coordinator’s office, one of the managers met me down there and informed me that I was to get cleared by health services before returning to work. Thankfully health services was located at Epcot. I thought that it would be a simple interview or screening process to make sure I was mentally stable enough to return to work; needless to say, I was gravely mistaken. Once at health services, I was informed that I was required to see a shrink—a specific shrink—before returning to work. And that specific shrink was clear across the city. About 50mins away from where I lived.

My little meltdown was causing a lot more trouble for me. Not having sick time, I was losing money every day I wasn’t working. I already ran a shoestring budget, but now it was getting to be like that scene in Mickey and the Beanstalk when the one bean was sliced into several pieces for the group around the table. Because I did not have adequate health insurance, I was also out the cost of paying for the sessions. Needless to say, I was feeling more depressed than I was before I went to the loony bin. Well, I got back in my car and traveled all the way to Maitland to see the psychiatrist.

After spending an hour in traffic, I arrived at the psychiatrist’s office. While many may find it uncomfortable at a shrink’s office, I felt at home. Of course, I had been on a therapist’s couch before many times. What actually made me uncomfortable was sitting there wondering how the hell I was going to pay for this session. The question was about to be answered. The administrative assistant called me up to the window and she asked me to fill out the paperwork. On top of the paperwork was a note that my employer would pay for the first session and then I was responsible for the rest. Since it’s a requirement that I have one session before returning to work, my first one is comp’d.

I do not remember much about that session, but I remember feeling like I was not going to be helped due to the reason for my depression and anxiety being my underemployment. Changing the way I viewed it would not fix all my financial problems. I’ve often wondered why so many professional counselors/therapists and lay people think that my emotional struggles and cognitive paradoxes are caused by my attitude or how I view something. I wondered if it ever occurred to anyone that my emotional depression comes from being single as fuck, while watching so many other people in my life experience longterm dating, engagement, marriage, or the equivalent. By extension, it can also be applied to my depression from underemployment. I watch as others land jobs and I fail at trying to improve myself after college. I realize that one can reframe one’s approach to or understanding of a situation, but sometimes life is just fucking you over and no different perspective if going to make things more palatable.

After my session, I collected the paperwork I needed to return to work, and went back to the park hoping that I could be permitted to work the remainder of the day. I had missed so many days already that I needed to work a shift if they would add me into the cast rotation for the day. Fortunately, they were able to be put into rotation so I could at least recuperate that day. Of course, my return came with lots of stares and questions. Funny how when you get sent to the padded room, people think you’re permanently crazy.

From the frying pan into the fire. My rent was now late. Of course, my roommates at the time were family understanding because I was institutionalized but that didn’t take away from rent being due. I had no idea where the money was going to come from. And I couldn’t bare the mental anguish of telling my roommates that I was going to be even later. I had already sold anything that was ebay-able.

Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, I was racking my brains out with how to make rent. I was left with one conclusion: I had to get someone to pay to fuck me. When you feel that you’re at your wits end, you begin to contemplate that which is shunned or seen as taboo. But, I rationalized it by treating it as a small business—of course, it’s not actually small (wink). I was more worried about getting busted for prostitution than any health or safety concerns. But where to find someone? Can’t use Grindr or other more conventional apps. With an inability to think of any other means of advertised, I decided to post to the “romantic encounters” section of CraigsList. I needed cash and I needed it quickly. Preferably before I saw my roommates the next day.

Should I be creative with the description and quote The Golden Girls episode when Rose accidentally places Dorothy’s employment wanted ad in the personals section by writing “looking to make extra money, willing to do anything, no job too big or small” or should I simply be more direct and state that I need to be pounded for $200. Who am I kidding, no one would pay that for me. Maybe four guys at $50 each? Here goes nothing, I thought.

So, I created a throwaway email address on Gmail so I could register under a pseudonym. I could only hope that this works. All the while I thought to myself: how could I have let everything come to this? Was there something I could have done that would not have placed me in such a precarious situation? I’ve worked so hard in my jobs and in school, so why is this happening to me? Oh how I wish I knew the answers to those questions. I began to write my advertisement: “Looking to provide erotic company this evening. Love generous guys. , DDF, you be too.” Selecting the words that would convey what I wanted but not coming right out and advertising as a hooker, was my goal.

In my mind, I was going to be one of those classy hookers. You know, the ones that hookup with politicians, CEOs, and such. But, it was just going to be me and desperate Disney cast members, older rich guys on vacation, or really who knows who’d I wind up with??? I suppose the worst that could happen is hooking up with a law enforcement official because then I’d be in a heap of trouble. I still could not believe that this is what my life came to. With trembling hands, I took to the keyboard in order to write my personals ad. After careful consideration, I wrote out: Entrepreneur seeks to raise operating funds by exchanging natural resources for cash. Both batting and catching are acceptable. Need to raise budgetary funds tonight. I could only hope that ad would bring in the money I need to make rent.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t even an hour before I received a response. The first thing we did is what anyone would do when thinking whether or not to hookup, and we exchanged photos. To my shock, he was cute. But found out that he was not available. Damn. Oh well. I wasn’t advertising on Craigslist to find a boyfriend. This John wasn’t far away from me at all. In fact, he lived in the same neighborhood. His boyfriend was out of town and told me he was horny and could pay me $100. Well, I gave him my address and hoped he would actually show. Not 15-minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Kind of reminded me of half the porn videos I’d watch. Except this wasn’t a cute pizza delivery boy. Oh he was cute alight, but I knew he was there for one purpose and one purpose alone. To pay me for my goods and services. A payment much needed to make my rent or else having to find somewhere else to live.

Didn’t know if I was going to be topping or bottoming. Bottoming was definitely easier but I would do anything. We went upstairs and I asked for half the money up front and the other half on the backend. Tried to make a little joke. I think I was making jokes because I was nervous about the whole thing. So, we went upstairs to my bedroom and went directly to making out. There was no romance at all. Just pure carnal pleasure. It was completely unbridled, and there was something addictive about it. I’ve never taken any drugs nor drink every single day, so I don’t know what it’s like to be on a drug. I imagine it feels a little like that did.

After he was finished, I received my money and he left. Not only did he pay me what I requested, he paid me extra and told me I was the best trick he had in a long time. I was halfway to my financial goal and the next guy would arrive in fifteen minutes. I could only hope that I could deliver the same energy as I did before.

The next phone number, without a name, popped up on the screen. Trick-to-be-turned number two was on his way. Part of the experience was giving me a high. But in the back of my head, I knew that the low after the high would be very low. Much like the first guy, this one was also pretty cute and very good in bed. Sadly, I felt desirable in those moments. I say sadly because I realize the only reason I was being paid any attention was because I was a commodity. Still, I was wanted. As I write this story today, I am not desired by anyone. At least, I can look back at this time and remember when guys would pay to sleep with me, as opposed to today, where I can’t get anyone for free to even makeout with me. After an explosive finish, he was done. Handed me the money and then he left. Perhaps I don’t have my dignity anymore, but I had my money for rent.

I look back at this time in my life and wonder why I did what I did, but I imagine it was out a need to survive. 

Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

Start from Chapter 1

Not long after Nick dumped me, I received a call from Gaylord Palms to come in for an audition for an entertainment role for ICE. If you don’t know, ICE at Gaylord Palms (and the other Gaylord properties) is not to be missed each holiday season. Your Thanksgiving and Christmas is greatly enhanced by the sheer spectacle of literally tons of artistically carved ice in breathtaking shapes, characters, and the immaculately stunning Nativity at the end of the tour. Needless to say, I was thrilled at the opportunity of working at Gaylord Palms. My part-time job at Disney was just not cutting it. As I alluded earlier, the Mouse does not like to pay very much. Although I auditioned for entertainment roles at Disney every 6mos with no offer, I wasn’t entirely sure if I was going to make this team either.

One might think that after being dumped that my confidence in landing this position would have been greatly mitigated—not so! Actually, I had a new found strength to improve myself in order for Nick to realize he shouldn’t have dumped me. That, and what did I have to lose??? Nothing. I filled out the application addendum and waited for my turn to be called back for the interview. I was glad that there was a face-to-face interview before the audition because I feel that increases the chances of landing a role. The human resources representative might see something in you that may help to counter-balance a poor movement routine during the audition. As fate would have it, I made it past the initial HR interview and went onto the audition.

I was so excited to continue on in the interview process. So often, I was used to getting rejected. During the audition, I put on a couple different costumes (due to character integrity, I shan’t name the characters). You cannot imagine how incredibly relieved I was that the auction did not consist of a comprehensive movement routine. Instead, getting to dress as the characters I hope to bring to life provided me the opportunity to show what I could really do. I studied entertainment, storytelling, performance, and more for years, and now I had the opportunity to put that into practice! The scholar became a practitioner. After the audition, I just had to wait to see if I was going back in to sign my contract. After what seemed like an eternity, the Entertainment leader came out and welcomed me to the DreamWorks Experience at Gaylord Palms. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, it plays into the next guy in my life as well as a tragedy later.

Skipping ahead to just another day during the holiday season at the DreamWorks Experience. While browsing the latest selection on Grindr while between sets, I came across a guy who was cute, close by, and had a great profile. He was extremely close by, only 60ft away. Grindr can be scary sometimes haha. He was working the movie theatre where Puss in Boots 3D was showing. We began chatting on Grindr for a couple hours, and then we exchanged numbers. I also told him that I could come by when he was on break and I was between sets. I met Matt over in the concessions area at the movie theatre. He was a bit shorter than me, but had this deep sexy masculine voice that exuded sensuality. Asked him what time he was off that night, and he was off just 30mins after me. So, I offered to give him a ride home, and he accepted.

Thankfully, he did not live far from Gaylord. Partly because his stepdad worked as a chief at the resort. We learned a lot about each other during that relatively short drive form the resort to his apartment. Once at the apartment, he invited me in because his folks were out of town. We sat down in the living room to watch TV and did that for an hour or so. Then he invited me into his room. So as not to appear too easy, I declined the invitation and told him I really needed to get home. I went in to give him a hug goodbye and then he kissed me. A passionate kiss right on the mouth. Sounds romantic right? Well, not really. You see, he had awful breath—like make flowers wilt by breathing on them bad. One thing is sure, I was about to invest a lot of money in Tic-Tacs. Still, he seemed interested in me and I did enjoy his company. I suppose I would grow immune to his halitosis eventually.

We continued seeing each other for the next few weeks. We even took shopping trips together! Matt and I were quite the pair. Our areas of interest were quite different from each other, but we complimented each other nicely. New Years eve rolled around and my best friend Raul invited me and Matt over to his house for board games and food. And his family knows how to put out a spread! So many different kinds of foods—quite the bountiful buffet of delectable delights to dazzle the tongues as fireworks lit up the sky. I was excited that I actually had a date to a party. Matt and I were all over each other at the party and I was loving every minute of it. Midnight rolled around and I received my New Years Eve kiss. To this day, that is the only New Years Eve kiss I have ever received.

After I drove us home this evening, Matt and I began making out to start the New Year out right, and little by little the clothes came off. It wasn’t long before his hot firm body was pressed up against mine with beads of sweat forming on each of us as we intensely engaged in erotic foreplay. Up to that point, we had not had sex but it was clear that was the direction we were heading on that magical night. He grabbed the Wet Platinum from my bedside stand and lubed up his massive cock. I’m telling you, it was girthy. Like RedBull can big. I wasn’t sure if I should be scared or just ride it like a cowboy. If you’ve ever used a cucumber as a dildo, and realized that was a bad idea for your ass, then that is exactly how I felt. When he penetrated me, I was in shock! Pretty soon the shock wore off and he continued to hit that G-spot. The finish was amazing and we then held each other and fell asleep.

A few days later, Matt found out that he was not being kept on at Gaylord after the ICE season was over. I went over to his house to comfort him, but little did I know that it is I who would need comforting. After I arrived, he ran out to my car. Strange. Normally he waited in the apartment for me to knock on the door. He came out to my car and hopped inside. But, he told me that we needed to talk—well, I know what that means. He proceeded to tell me that he was moving to Minnesota to work at an indoor water park. And that since he was moving, he did not see any reason for us to continue dating. But of course, he wanted to remain friends. After all that, he had the nerve to ask me if I could get him into Disney that day. WTF??? I’d no sooner drizzle antifreeze on a toaster strudel and eat eat than get him into the parks after what he just pulled. Little by little, I heard less and less from him until I was unfriended on Facebook eventually. Incidentally, he started dating someone not two weeks after moving to Minnesota. So, I suspect that he was talking with this guy for weeks before I got dumped. I hope he gets crabs.

A few weeks after Matt dumped me, Gaylord Palms was holding its 10th Anniversary party. It was a huge event for all current staff. I’ve never been to a party quite like that one. Gaylord Palms pulled out all the stops in throwing its milestone birthday bash. I sat at a table with many of the other people I worked with over the Christmas season, and we even did a couple group dances. It was one of funnest times in my adult life. It was refreshing to be part of a work family that genuinely enjoyed our jobs and working with one another.

After the close of ICE, the entertainment cast was informed that Gaylord Palms was planning to keep many of the employees to carry over the DreamWorks Experience into regular daily operations. The emails were going to be sent out to everyone a couple days after the birthday bash. Well, the day had come that we were supposed to get emailed. My friend Josh texted me that morning to inform me that he was kept on and I heard from my friend Kira that she was also retained. I noticed in other friends’ posts that they were kept too. Then I received my email. I was not being kept on.

Devastated. Crushed. Disappointed. Heartbroken. Depressed.

I was so incredibly hurt by that email. For once in my life, I enjoyed my job and had an income that enabled me to meet my needs and not feel the stresses of not being able to pay bills or choosing between gas and food. How could this happen??? I was an exemplary employee and a model one at that. I picked up shifts, went in early, stayed late, and anything else that was needed for the show to go on. The very thought of having to worry about money again was enough to make me sick both physically and mentally. I wanted to call into my shift at Disney but I knew I could not afford that. I was feeling myself fall back into the place that I was at when I broke down after the rejection by my coworker and friend that you read about earlier in my story.

Rejected. Again.

I tried so hard, just to come away with nothing. Be thrown away like garbage. Back to the financial hard times that I thought I had been through and left behind. I had a bachelors degree, lots of experience, and still I found myself in a position that called every decision I made into question. How could this happen again??? I forced myself to go into work, but the whole time I was there, I kept thinking of how I  was making $9.00 an hour for a part-time job that showed little appreciation for my talents or knowledge. I was back to being a nobody at a company that spouts magic but delivers tragedy.

I began zoning off, slacking on my duties, and (from what I was told by others) completely aloof to any communication. I began thinking of killing myself later on that day because I had nothing to live for. I was at a place in my life that I hated, and felt entrapped by. Forbidden to achieve anything that would enhance my happiness. Whether that was a relationship or a career. I was a failure at both. No matter what I set out to do or accomplish, I was met with rejection. Realizing that I was not in a good place, I called my managers to inform them that I needed to talk to someone because I was a potential danger to myself.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. The workplace is not the place where you want to have a complete emotional and psychological breakdown. But, that is where I had mine. I was called up to the conference room where I was met with two of my managers. They wanted to know why I felt the way I did, and boy did I let them have it. Between being let go from Gaylord Palms and feeling unsuccessful and unappreciated at Disney, I had a lot of acute anger built up inside. After just spilling my guts to people who, looking back, could not care any less about me—I was just a front line CM—they asked me if there was anyone that I wanted to call.

And there was. I needed to talk to my friend Kristen. I tried her cellphone and she wasn’t answering. But, since I knew where she worked, I called the TV station and asked to be transferred to her office. Thankfully, the receptionist was new and didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to just transfer me to Kristen’s dressing room. I was never so happy to hear her voice when she picked up the phone. She and I met during my first class, my first year at Southeastern University, and remained friends since. Throughout the years, she often gave me advice that I either let go in one ear and out the other or only acted on parts of it. Looking back, I can completely understand why she felt I never listened to her advice. Because I wasn’t. At the time I didn’t think that way, but I completely notice it now.

I have no idea how long our conversation was, but it was probably shorter than it was in my mind. She and I talked about a lot of stuff in my life. She was holding up a mirror to me, so to speak. While on the phone with her, she recommended that I speak to a professional. She even looked up resources for me, and gave me numbers. I could have gone on speaking to her for a long time. I always loved our conversations. She and I don’t speak as often anymore. It’s probably because I never truly let her know that I appreciated her a great deal and that was compounded by my selfish attitude. So often, I would make the conversations about me and fail to ask her about her day. Wish I knew then what I know now.

After she had to go, I called the professionals she recommended to me. During the course of the conversation, the phone counselor asked me if I thought of hurting myself. And I had to reply yes, but I quickly followed the tup with not having a plan or anything. The counselor remained on the phone with me until I was much calmer than when I first called. Meanwhile, two of my managers sat across the table from me as I was working through my emotional and psychological breakdown. After the counselor and I were done speaking, my managers asked me if I needed to talk to anyone. I stated that I would benefit from speaking to someone. Of course, nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

Not long after I stated that I would benefit from talking to someone, paramedics arrived. What the??? I was strapped to a hospital bed and carted out of the building. And to make it worse, I was not taken backstage…I was taken out through the front door and through the guest areas. I was incredibly embarrassed. I thought that I was just going to be stabilized and released, but I was informed that I was going to Central Florida Behavioral Health to be committed. I was terrified. What had I done? All I wanted to do was talk to someone and now I am being taken to the looney bin. A place that I had been before. And now I am going back. What a clusterfuck my life was in.

Upon arrival at the nut house, I was informed that I had to turn in my cellphone, shoelaces, and everything else. No one even knew where I was. I asked if I could make a phone call, and they said I only had a few minutes to do so. I did not know whom to call. So, I called my roommate because he’s the first person who would notice that I was missing. His phone rang, rang, rang. No answer. I tried to text but the reception in the building was too low for a text. I called him back and it rang several times then went to voicemail. I began leaving a message but then the call dropped. When I tried to call back again, the nurses came inside the room and told me I ran out of time. Now no one was going to know where I was.

I had never been so scared in my whole life. This was worse than the last time because before I was at least surrounded by people I knew from work prior to going in. This time, I felt so incredibly alone. I was shown back to my room and left there. With no way to reach the outside world, I felt like a prisoner. A prisoner of of my own mind accompanied by being a legitimate prisoner of a mental hospital.

The next day, I was permitted to see the psychiatrist. I was determined to show him that I was of sound—sound enough—mind to be released back into the general public. despite still feeling like shit, I was no longer an immediate threat to myself and was never a threat to other people. With my IQ of 135, I knew I could think my way through this situation in order to regain my freedom. Since I studied sociology and psychology as an undergrad for my first degree before going to film school, I knew how to work with the psychological evaluation to all-but ensure my timely release. All around me, I was surrounded by the cast from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I was playing Scrabble, Bridge, and more. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy board games; but the folks with whom I was playing were like children.

After waiting most of the day to see the psychiatrist, it was finally my turn to speak to the doctor. I sat down with him and immediately began pleading my case to be permitted to leave. Of course, looking back, I am pretty sure it was the fact that I could not have my phone is the reason I wanted to leave so badly. And, no one knew I was here. No one. I half-hoped that my psychiatrist would be a Frasier-like professional who would would sit back and say “I’m listening” while I spoke. I don’t think I had ever been on edge the way I was in that office. This man held the key to my freedom, and I just had to get out of there. Aside from feeling like I didn’t belong there, I was missing work. And when you’re only working part-time at Disney World, a day missed can mean the difference between remaining in your home and being homeless.

My meeting with the psychiatrist was not terribly long. In fact, after I recited what I rehearsed in my head, he said that it was clear that I did not belong institutionalized and would fair better outside of the hospital. That being said, I was mandated to meet with a psychiatrist once a week for six months. Without health insurance, that was going to cost me the only arm and leg I had left. But, that was the price I had to pay for having a complete mental breakdown in the workplace. Not long after I left the psychiatrists office, I was permitted to use my phone. Of course, I had several voicemails on my phone from my roommate and parents. I called one of my friends/corkers from Gaylord Palms who lived out that way to pick me up. Thankfully, he did not mind. Within an hour or so, my belt and shoelaces were returned to me and I was allowed to wait in the lobby for my ride.

My friend Justin showed up and asked me where I wanted to go. I was famished because I did not want to eat the hospital food at the institution. So, I told him that he could take me wherever he wanted to go. I was just ever so glad to be out of there. If nothing else, I was scared into never having a breakdown again.

Continue to Chapter 9

Chapter 7

Return to Chapter 1

Continued from Chapter 6

Birthdays are generally thought of as a time of magic and excitement. For the longest time, I hoped that the next birthday or holidays brought about someone to date. Perhaps that seems silly to you who have had a boyfriend or girlfriend on your birthday or holiday in the past, but that’s not something that I’ve ever been able to experience. It was a source of immense pain for a long time. Many birthdays, I’d go out to Ybor in Tampa or the clubs in Orlando and wind up going home crying because no one hit on me and it was not going to get birthday sex. More recently, I finally said fuck you to the idea of a boyfriend on my birthday and just planned things with friends. And you know what? I’ve had a great time since shifting my attitude. Doesn’t mean that I don’t think about not having someone, but I no longer obsess over it on these special occasions. But back at this time, I was still obsessed with needing someone on my birthday in order for it to be special.

Now, where to have my birthday dinner??? Decisions, decisions. Although I am a sucker for elegant, formal dinners, for birthdays, I prefer the fun and festive approach. What better place to celebrate my birthday than T-Rex Cafe at [then] Downtown Disney now Disney Springs. T-Rex is owned by the Landry’s company who also owns Rainforest Cafe, the Aquarium, and others. Such a fun place for those who like dinosaurs. Think of it as Rainforest Cafe meets Jurassic Park, where you eat the dinos instead of the other way around.

With such a large group to accommodate, my friends and I wait until the majority of the party arrives in order for the restaurant to seat us. Upon checkin, I saw him. We shall call him Nick. Oh, Nick was so incredibly cute—simply adorable! I was smitten from that moment. He had dark red hair and the cutest eyes and smile. Infatuation hit me quicker than 10 shots of Fireball! Immediately, I began talking to his coworkers because—let’s face it—that’s what we all do because online and mobile dating has neutered us. Haha. I thought he was gay but I wasn’t quite certain. So, after several conversations with a couple of his coworkers, I learned that he was not only gay, but single too! I thought I was onboard an ark what with all the coupled attractive gay guys. You walk around Disney, the mall, attend the cinema and it’s like everyone is taken except me. But I digress. After I found out that he was both gay and single, I did the unthinkable. I actually grew a pair and walked up to the rock where he was standing and told him that he was super cute and wanted to know if he’d be interested in going out sometime. I think I caught him off guard because he wasn’t entirely sue what to say. But he wasn’t immediately opposed to it.

After my friends and I were shown to our table, it became clear that he was finding excuses to hover close to our table. I was flattered. At least, I was inferring that he was hovering around in order to see me. I asked our server—who was already doing her best to talk me up to Nick—if she could get me some receipt paper and a pen. When she returned with the paper and pen, I wrote a simple note stating that I would like to go on a date and listed my number. I asked the server to give Nick the note and she did just that. But between that moment and when we left, I didn’t see nor hear from him. I was mildly disappointed because I had allowed my hopes to get up when I should have been more realistic in that guys really didn’t find me attractive. As my friends and I were leaving, the server ran out and gave me a note. Thinking it was the same one that I gave her earlier in Hocus Pocus fashion, it was actually from Nick! It didn’t state anything except thanking me for the complements and for having the balls to ask him.

Two days had gone by and I hadn’t heard from him. Not having his number, I was unable to Stage 5, which was a good thing. On my second break at Beauty and the Beast, I received a text message from him!! Can you believe it?!? He actually texted me back. We chatted for several minutes. I asked him if he wanted to get together at Magic Kingdom that evening since I got off work at 5:45. He said sure! Oh the time between my last break and the end of the day went by more slowly than awaiting your test results at the clinic after an orgy at Orlando’s Parliament House. I was never so excited to clock out of CDS (Cast Deployment System). I changed my clothes and walked quickly to my car to head over to Magic Kingdom (MK) to meet Nick.

I was so incredibly nervous. I parked at the Contemporary Resort so I could walk over to MK. Arriving before Nick gave me time to calm down a little because I was in pins and needles. I had a date with an incredibly cute guy whom I did not have to meet on Grindr. My phone vibrated. I looked and it was a text from him stating that he was on the ferry and would be there shortly. Moments later, I looked up and there he was! Just as adorable as ever. And he was coming there to meet me—ME. If you’ve ever been on a date where the first time you’re really meeting is on the date, you know that the first HELLO is the hardest one. What to say, what to do. Should we hug? Handshake? Nothing at all? Thankfully, he initiated a hug when we came together. I loved that hug. It was in front of the train station at MK. Although we enjoyed many of the attractions, I would have been just as content to walk around talking to Nick and getting to know him.

While riding Haunted Mansion, I brushed my hand against Nick’s to see if he would be interested in holding it. I expected no response or—worse—moving his hand further away out of holding distance. Instead he interlocked fingers with mine as we passed through the attic past the creepy bride. We continued to hold hands and snuggle together in the doom buggy through the duration of the attraction. After we left Haunted Mansion, we headed to Pirates, then Jungle Cruise, and more! We ended the evening with the electric parade and the Wishes firework spectacular. Since MK closed relatively early, we had time to go to Downtown Disney and walk around. From MK, we headed to Downtown Disney where we meandered through the shops and along the water. Before Downtown Disney became Disney Springs, there was a large fountain outside of the entrance to the now-dining movie theatre side of the AMC. We sat down in one of the benches and gazed up at the sky—watching the stars. By this time, our arms were around one another as we snuggled in close as the evening was growing cooler. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He then turned his head and pressed his pillowy lips up against mine and began to makeup with me! Oh the flood of emotion that enveloped my body and mind. My hormones were at dangerously high levels. It felt as if the world stopped and I was here in this moment that was unparalleled to anything I had ever experienced.

As we both knew that we didn’t want to get thrown into Disney prison, we curtailed our making out and walked to our respective cars. I asked Nick if he wanted to get together later on that week, and he said sure! I invited him over to my house for dinner and a swim—more specifically—a skinny dip in the pool. We hugged and kissed each other for the final time before getting into our cars and heading home.

It was the day that Nick was coming over. I was so incredibly excited! I remember waiting for what seemed like days as the hours ticked by. I had it all planned out. We were going to skinny-dip in the pool, have amazing sex, prepare dinner together and go out for dessert. Okay, maybe I was putting a little too much effort into this and placing undue pressure on myself, but I was so incredibly infatuated—I thought I was in love with him.

It’s so nice to date a guy who has a car. If you think about that, at this stage in life, that shouldn’t even be a thing. But, when most guys you encounter don’t have cars, then when you find one that does, it’s like a miracle or something. Knowing that Nick was arriving soon, I went around and turned off the lights and lit candles. Nick pulled up in the driveway and I ran outside to meet him.

Okay, well, that’s what I did in my mind. After all, I don’t want to scare this one off. Nick walked up to the front door and rang the door bell. Checking myself in the mirror one last time, I walked over and opened the door. There he was. My “boy next door” with luscious auburn hair, green eyes, and pillowy lips. As soon as he stepped across the threshold, we embraced one another. My blood was racing so quickly that it was all I could do in order to not tear the pants right off of his toned body.

Walking from the foyer into the kitchen area, I asked Nick if he wanted a drink and he said yes. So I grabbed the Pinnacle whipped vodka, pineapple juice, orange juice, and cranberry juice. I’m obviously not a bartender, but I’ve always liked those flavors. It was so exciting to make a drink for the guy I was seeing. After making the drinks, Nick and I walked onto the porch and sat down next to the pool. The hot bright sun was pouring in through the screened porch, which paired with the cocktails and company so very nicely.

As with many Florida homes, the pool is located inside the screened porch and is also heated. Perfect for swimming year round! Nick and I began making out with our legs in the water and, as we are good gay boys, I began to remove his shirt. When I removed the shirt, his smooth chest glistened in the hot sun and I began to caress it. Nibbling on his nipple, Nick ever-so-delicately, removed my shirt. Since we were in our swimming trunks and our shirts removed, I sank down into the water and pulled Nick in after me. The water did nothing but to intensify our making out. We grabbed each others asses and even inserted our hands in between the waste bands and held onto our cocks that were rock solid. But his time, the sun had set, and I just had to get into those pants. So, as my lips were pressed up against his, I untied his shorts. Moving my lips from his and kissing his chest, moving down towards the goods, I sank beneath the water and removed his shorts with my teeth. I then returned to the surface for a breath and went back down to give him an under-the-water blowjob.

While I was going to town on his nicely hung cock, he used his feet to remove my swim trunks. With both of us naked in the water, I am surprised the pool did not begin to boil. Emotions running high, hormones raging, and Nick being in that “young, dumb, and full of cum” phase of life, we eventually made our way out of the pool and into my bedroom. Pretty sure we left our swimming trunks poolside. One in my bed, the level of erotic behavior increased greatly. I wanted him to fuck me so badly, but he said he didn’t want to just yet. Wanted to get to know me more. Thought he was really interested in me. I couldn’t believe it. A beautiful guy was interested in me.

Reaching into my bedside table, I grabbed the Wet Platinum and dribbled some on his cock as his ass was pressed up against my pelvis. I began to stroke his cock and and nibble on his ear. Our bodies in rhythm with one another, the sweat dripping from our brows, and hands interlocked with one another, he said he was about to cum. I intensified jacking him off and he tensed up and began to moan as he shot his load all over the wall. So much so, that it landed back on me. It was the hottest sexual experience that I ever had to that day (and even to this day). After he finished, he began to give me the most seductive blowjob and it didn’t take long for me to blow my load in his mouth. And then he did one of the hottest things a guy can do, and he swallowed. With our energy spent, we fell asleep pressed up against one another.

The next morning, we had a pleasant breakfast together, but he has to leave because he works the lunch shift. While he was at work, we continued to text and made plans to see each other again. Things couldn’t get better. Or so I thought. Over the next week, his texts seemed to get less and less frequent. I figured it was just because he got busy with work and school, but we still make plans to celebrate his birthday—10 days after mine. The idea was to sit in VIP seating at the Festival of the Lion King show at Disney’s Animal Kingdom and then watch the re-release of Lion King 3D that afternoon. Over the course of the days we had been together, I learned that his favorite Disney character was Eyore. I wasn’t sure what to get him for his birthday, but I knew that I wanted something that would have sentimental value for a long time. For most of my life, I’ve given Christmas ornaments to people because I love his those ornaments are such  part of our lives and often prompt us to think about the given when we place the ornaments on the tree.

Nick’s birthday was here! I headed directly to Animal Kingdom to eagerly await his arrival. I looked up from the bench that I was sitting on and there he was. As he waled in, I could tell something was up. He just wasn’t as affectionate as he had been in days past. I went to hold his hand, and he put it in his pocket. That made for an awkward walk from the entrance to the theatre. Earlier that day, I had asked to be placed on the VIP list for the Lion Section. The Lion Section was the best one because the male dancers spend more time in front of that section. Nick and I went into the theatre in the round and sat down in the Lion Section. When I moved to get closer to Nick, he would move further away from me. I finally got the hint that he didn’t want to be right up on me. I chalked it up to maybe just not wanting to engage in PDA at the show.

After the show, we headed from Animal Kingdom to [then] Downtown Disney to the AMC. Once we parked our respective cars, I grabbed his birthday present and card and placed them in my messenger bag. The whole movie, I tried holding his hand, but he wasn’t having it. Although I had suspected that something was up all day, it finally hit me like a fuck ton of bricks when he disappeared just before the Can You Feel the Love Tonight number and returned after the song was over. After the credits began to roll, we headed outside and walked in the direction of the cars. I asked if he waned to sit down on the bench, and he said sure because “we need to talk.” I heard those words before—just a few months prior. Told me that he couldn’t get past our age difference and couldn’t date me any longer. Said, I was a great guy and attractive but he couldn’t get past our age difference and needed to find someone closer to his age.

My age. A number. I called bullshit. He was attracted to me from day one and never showed any sign that he wasn’t attracted to me. I began to beg him not to dump me and that the reason he gave me was douchey—downright just cold, heartless, and heartbreaking. I broke down into tears right there at Downtown Disney. My body was shaking, I did not know what to do. I looked  at Nick and he just looked back at me with a vacant expression on his face. He then left. Walked away. Walked away with me completely distraught. I didn’t even know what to do. I knew that I couldn’t stay there. So, with tears in my eyes and the snot rolling down my face, I somehow managed to get back to my car and called my best friend. I wasn’t even sure if I could drive home. After several minutes on the phone, he was able to talk me down from the high level of stress I was at. I went home, and cried myself to sleep. Why? Why was age such a big deal? Why couldn’t I be younger? Maybe if I had come out earlier in life, I may have had my chance at cute love. To be that “cute couple.” As it were, I was old. I was worthless in the eye of other gay guys. As badly as I wanted to love, my love was never good enough. Always coming out on the short end of the stick. I was rejected based upon something that I could not change. 

On the plus side, I heard that he contracted herpes from sleeping around, so I suppose I’m, no worse for the wear. That, and I believe he is STILL Main Street operations at Magic Kingdom, making his menial hourly rate. I hope he’s happy working 50hrs a week. Isn’t it funny how life has a way of karma assisting in someone reaping what they sewed? Last I looked at his FaceBook page, he hasn’t finished school either. I suppose I dodged a bullet on that one. If you’re reading this, I hope that you counter this rampant agism in our community. Nobody that you’re attracted to should be rejected solely based upon age. If you are attracted to them, have common interests, and have compatible personalities, who gives a fuck what some chronological number is. Please don’t be part of the problem. Take a moment to encourage others to not be agist. 

Continue to Chapter 8

Chapter 6

Continued from chapter 5

Start from chapter 1

The summer I graduated, Rosie, a friend of mine, was staging a show at the Orlando Fringe Festival. She asked me if I could assist her with marketing, ticket sales, and other strategic communications needs. She was and still is one of my favorite people, so I wasn’t about to say no. Starring in the production is another friend of mine from college so it was definitely going to be fun. The show was a huge success and my friend was incredibly happy. The only other time I have seen her happier was when she gave birth to her daughter.

We are all gathered around the pool with some food and beers for the wrap party! When from out of the dark, there was an individual knocking at the gate. I was swimming with another friend of mine when I made some smart ass remark about the mysterious person being a serial killer. The person went away after no one came down to the gate, but then after a few minutes came back around again. Turns out that he was a friend of Rosie’s, the star of the show, and my other friend. We shall call him Jacob. Jacob has been friends with that group for quite some time. He was so incredibly cute! I was smitten from the moment I laid eyes upon him. Isn’t this perfect??? After some sleuthing, I discovered that he was also single. Mutual friends and he’s single. Perfect combination. I really started to turn up the flirtatious heat and it pays off. He asks if we all want to go to a local club for Pride Night. That would be the first of many Pride nights that I would attend over the years.

While Rosie was getting wasted, Jacob and I were really hitting it off. It was my first time grinding on the dace floor. Yeah, I know it’s not a dance. It’s basically foreplay but it was all mine. I could feel his touch against my skin. My normally cold skin was feeling the gentle yet erotic touch of Jacob’s warm hands and body. Of course we began to makeout on the dace floor and then he took me outside and pushed me against the wall and proceeded to make it to third base. I was loving every second of it. After we finished and went back inside, it was apparent that Rosie needed to go home. So, Jacob and I helped her to the car and took her home. Rosie lived all the way out in St. Cloud; so after dropping her off, I suggested to Jacob that we may as well drive the additional hour to the beach to watch the sun rise. To my surprise, he said yes! Unfortunately, this is one of the only times in which I refer to a guy and use “he said yes” in the same sentence. Normally, it’s “he said no” or said nothing at all and just ghosts.

So Jacob and I drove out to Melbourne to watch the sun rise. Great thing about Florida is that you can watch the sun rise over the Atlantic and in the same day watch the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico. Since Jacob worked as a lead stage technician at the local municipal playhouse, we had lots to talk about. So refreshing to be able to talk to a guy with whom I share lots in common. The trip to the beach seemed to take no time at all and I loved every minute of it. This was the first time I did something this spontaneous.

We sat on the sands of the beach and gazed out across the water as the soothing sounds of waves crashed against the seashore. Jacob and I held onto each other. Never had I felt someone hold me like that before—it was intimate. With no one for hundreds of feet, and concealed by the dark with only the stars and moon to illuminate the shoreline, the clothes began to come off. I have always been self-conscious of my body even though I’ve lost a lot of weight over the years. Despite the weight loss, I still look in the mirror and see that fat guy taking phone calls at the Delta Air Lines reservations center. Fortunately, more recently, I’ve began to be quite proud of my weight loss accomplishments, but it’s taken a long time to get to this point. Knowing that Jacob was attracted to me, filled me with an unparalleled ecstasy that I had never felt before. I felt special. For those of you who have thought of making out or having sex on the beach, you’re going to get sand up your ass, and blowjobs will leave tiny pieces of sand and salt in your mouth. Still, it is truly worth it. That experience has stayed with me all these years. Partially because Jacob was the first guy to show interest in me to such a great extent and he accepted the love and affection that I so longed to give.

As we were making love right there on the beach, the sun began to rise. The yellows, oranges, and hues of blue steak across the eastern sky. Metaphorically, I wondered if this was the new day that I had been hoping for. While the sun was climbing from beyond the horizon, I was focussed on the rise between Jacob’s legs. With him at full mast, I was giving him the blowjob that would eclipse all other blowjobs that he had ever received. With the last part of the sun crossing the threshold of the horizon into the morning sky, he blew such an amazing load inside my mouth. Some of him was now in me. I really felt a special connection because only someone in love with another would go that far, right? After we continued to lie there next to each other, it was soon time to return to Orlando.

I was extremely tired and not in the state of mind to drive, so I asked Jacob if he wouldn’t mind driving back. To my surprise, he offered to drive. I was surprised because most of the time I felt like an unpaid chauffeur with other guys. So here we are cruising along. I am in and out of consciousness but still mildly aware of what’s going on around me. All of a sudden, Jacob begins to pull over to the side of the road. He got caught by a state trooper for speeding. Fortunately for us, the state trooper was forgiving and let Jacob off with a warning. So many memories from that first date with Jacob. What a wonderful first story! Meet at a wrap party, makeout at the club, drive to the beach to watch the sun rise, and get pulled over for speeding.

We arrived back at his pace and headed straight for his room to shower and clean off all the sand. Since I wear contacts, he even offered to run to the store in order for me to be able to take out my lenses and place them in a case with solution. So incredibly thoughtful. After showering together, we threw my clothes in the laundry and laid in bed. Later that morning, we woke up and Jacob’s sister, whom lived in the same apartment, wanted to go to lunch. Upon searching for my debit card, it became clear that I had misplaced it. So, I looked for it in the car. Couldn’t find it. Searched in Jacob’s bedroom. Still couldn’t locate it. After about 30 minutes of searching, I was left with the conclusion that I lost it on the beach. It must’ve fallen out of my pocket. Thankfully, it wasn’t my whole wallet. I left my wallet in the car but had my drivers license and debit card in my pocket from when we were at the club. As much as I wanted to go to lunch, I told Jacob and his sister that I lost my debit card and wasn’t able to go. It was then that Jacob did something really nice for me and offered to pickup my lunch. Wow. How thoughtful. So seldom had anyone ever thought of me like that before. Not a guy in whom I was interested.

Lunch went wonderfully! I was able to not only get to properly meet Jacob’s sister but her girlfriend as well. I know. What are the odds that both Jacob and his sister would be gay? Over lunch, it was decided that we would all go to the Double Tree where the majority of the Gay Days convention was happening. I had seen the billboards and other advertisements over the years but never went because I imagined that it was filled with lots of couples and since I wasn’t a couple, I didn’t want to go. Now that I had Jacob, I was interested in going! We all went back to Jacob’s apartment to get ready. As Jacob was changing clothes and me just continuing to wear what I wore the previous day (however, we had washed my clothes). Since I worked at Disney World and the three of them had annual passes, we planned to go to the parks after walking around the exhibit hall and vendor booths at Gay Days. Hanging with Jacob made me feel so good about myself. I finally felt like I was special, that I had the ability to attract someone that I wanted to date. No more Grindr or other apps; I could delete them all!

The most entertaining part of the exhibit hall at Gay Days was the toy store. I don’t think I had ever seen so many dildos and other sex toys. From costumes to bondage, everything was there. I learned that the best dildos are glass ones. Most of the events were not complementary and kind of pricey. I had always heard that the pool parties were intense and fun, but neither Jacob nor I were interested. I think we were too busy making out with each other while holding hands. I loved it. It was the first time in my life when I felt romantically loved. Not that I didn’t feel my family or friends loved me, but I was lacking that eros love that most people need. It’s that romantic love, that erotic passion, the unbridled ecstasy that is so desirable.

The following days were filled with text messages and phone calls. There’s a feeling that one can only get from waking up in the morning and there is a “good morning” text waiting on the phone. It’s a feeling of being wanted, desired, appreciated, and the feeling that someone treats you extra special. At the time, my life was not going well. I graduated and had to leave my nice dorm and move into a room in a trailer. Wasn’t a dumpy place, but it really wasn’t that nice either. My parents were worried about me when they left me there. But, when you can only afford $200/mo because all you have is a part-time job at Disney World, then you don’t have many choices. So, having Jacob in my life was all the more important because it provided some stability and an escape from the depressing situation I was in otherwise. When I was with him, I forgot the socio-economic state of my life. However, the disparities in my life would soon begin to pre-dispose me to being jealous of Jacob’s job and life.

It wasn’t terribly long before my positive demeanor began to take a turn for the negative. Looking back, I was not thinking rationally. Every chance I got, I passively worked into conversations how much better his life was than mine. Although I was going through a hard time after completing my undergraduate degree, I was taking it out on him. Him. My first boyfriend who I was so incredibly lucky to have in my life. We didn’t even meet online, grindr, or the like. Jacob’s replies to me slowly became more and more infrequent.

About two weeks after we met, I decided to get my hair cut into a new style. I had the same haircut for years and years. Since Jacob was so cute and I was so incredibly fortunate to be dating him, I thought that I would go for a different style so he would feel good about dating me. I mean, let’s be honest, he could do so much better than me. In this situation, I was clearly the reacher and he was the settler. Stopped at the salon near my place and told the stylist to do whatever she felt looked the best on me. She gave me the faux hawk style and I mostly keep it to this day because it really is the best style with my thinning hair and reseeding hairline—I hate my hair. I was so excited to show Jacob! I texted him and he replied with “we need to talk.” All of a sudden, I thought I was going to be sick. We hadn’t even been dating for two weeks and already I was getting the “we need to talk.”

The sunny skies began to turn grey and the clouds began to roll in as I drove down the interstate to meet him at Downtown Disney. I wondered why I wasn’t just going to his house. But, I thought that maybe he wanted to talk and then get something to eat—I know, I was naive. Gone was the sun and the lonely dark clouds began to cry. I waited for him in the parking lot for several minutes when he walked up to my car. Grabbing my umbrella, I stepped out and went to hug him and he stepped back. He completely skipped any and all pleasantries and said that he just couldn’t do this anymore. “I’m just not ready for a relationship. I thought I was but I really just need to work on myself right now.” The rain falling from the sky was soon o be no match for the flood of tears from my eyes. Even while I was standing in the rain crying, Jacob turned and left. Got in his truck and drove away. I don’t know how much longer I stood there, seemed like hours.

Eventually I had the strength to get back in my car. I honestly did not know how I made it home. Between the tears in my eyes and my lack of concentration and mitigated motor skills, it’s surprising that I made it across town at all. I walked in the trailer and went directly to my room. I was feeling so deeply hurt. There were times that I couldn’t breathe at all. The pain was so great that it felt like an elephant had just trampled me and crushed my spirit. Rejected. Rejection is a feeling that I knew and still know all too well. As a kid, my peers taunted and teased me every day. The rejection from my peers was so great that I would try to hurt myself or make myself sick in order to not go to school. It was happening again. Only this time, I thought that I would end the pain once and for all. With every intention to kill myself, I knew I had to be stopped. But, my will to resist was growing weak. I began texting Raul, telling him that I wanted to kill myself and needed help.

By this time, it was 2 or 3 in the morning. I was getting close to completely falling off the edge. I began contemplating just how to do it. I hate pain so it would have to be virtually painless. I had a punch of pain pills that I had been saving, and thought that I could just take those and be done with it. But between knowing that my death would break my parents’ and my sister’s heart and wanting to avoid pain, I was having a difficult time bringing myself to do it. It was then that there was a loud knock at the door. Raul and his cousin Carlitos were standing there and told me to come outside. I was hysterical at this point and was quite literally going crazy. What he did next would stick with me forever. SLAP. Right across the face he smacked me hard. Ironically, instead of growing angrier, I began to calm down. The tears were still rolling down my face but I was no longer acting like a lunatic. We talked for what seemed like hours outside. He did his best to reassure me that this was the first of many times that I would probably get dumped—just a fact of life for many people. But I could not allow this negative experience to take control of my life and cause me to think dangerous thoughts. He reminded me of the people that love me and that it is incredibly selfish to forget that. He and Carlitos would not allow me to go back inside unless I promised not to harm myself. That, I did. This is a powerful memory of mine and one that I was able to share at Raul’s wedding in September 2016. It really means a lot to me that he would drive to see me at 3 o’clock in the morning on a rainy evening.

I was eventually able to fall asleep. And yes, this was the first of many times that I would fall in love and get dumped. I suppose “the first cut is the deepest.” Baby, I know.

What ever happened to Jacob? Well, this same guy who told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship is now happily married. I know, right? When I heard the news, I wanted to vomit out of jealously. I’ve learned over the years that when a guy tells you that he’s isn’t ready for a relationship, what he really means is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Oh yeah, when he and his now husband announced their engagement and wedding date, they also started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for their honeymoon. I know, right??? How basic is that??? When I heard that, I just laughed out loud—seriously. I mean, using crowd funding for art, research, or innovation is brilliant and I am fully supportive of it. Using it for your vacation, is completely obnoxious.

Continue to Chapter 7

Chapter 5

Continued from chapter 4

Return to chapter 1

One day while I was Grinding, I came across the most adorable face and smile I had ever seen. And to this very day, his smile is still one of the most gorgeous I can remember. After some chatting, I learned that [we shall call him] Kyle was a friend of my roommate—the one who pulled the bait and switch on me to get me to move in. Anyway. I talked with him and found out that they used to be besties but when they no longer worked together, drifted apart a little but still kept in touch. Score. This connection may be just the thing I need to help foster a relationship. Also, my roommate told me that if Kyle were to hurt me, he would have it out with him. Devin went from douche to protector in a few months. Huh, go figure. Although I did not implicitly trust my roommate—hell, I didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him, I still felt like he had my back a little. I asked Kyle if he wanted to play mini-golf at the glow in the dark place. He said that would be fun!

Over the next few days, we continued to talk and learn about each other. Turns out that we both loved the movie Sunset Boulevard! A little unusual because, as iconic and foundational as the movie is, it isn’t one that is typically thought of. At least by a younger generation. That was super cool! Perhaps he was a cinephile like me. I felt we were making a good connection. My roommate told me that Kyle was definitely a bottom because he was a skinny twink with a bubble butt. At the time, I had only ever bottomed, so I was a little unsure how everything would go. Still, I was confident that it would not be a problem.

The night of our date came along. I was so excited because it was a real date! Like, not the bootycall that you call a date, but a legit one. I got all dressed up and even put on a little makeup to enhance my eyes, and drove over to the mini golf place. I texted Kyle that I was on my way, but I didn’t hear from him. He was working that evening, so I figured that he may have got off later than anticipated. I arrive in the parking lot at about 6:45 and anxiously awaited his arrival. We had agreed on 7:00 to meet. Well, 7:00 rolls around and he still isn’t there. I text him. No response. I finally call him and no response. Finally, he texts me back and says that he isn’t sure that he can make it. WHAT! We had planned everything. I texted my roommate immediately and told him what was going on. To my surprise, he took this very seriously and told me that he was going to text Kyle and yell at him or punch him in the face.

As I was driving back home, Kyle texts me and asked if we can go somewhere closer to his house. He suggested  [the former] Disney Quest at [then] Downtown Disney. Well, that meant that I had to drive all the way back home to get my Disney cast member coupons for free Disney Quest and then drive back. Ugh. So, I drive home and get the Christmas coupon for Disney Quest and head back to Downtown Disney. He finally shows up and we meet for the first time. I am smitten. He’s so incredibly attractive! I can’t believe this guy is going on a date with me. After greeting one another, we headed inside Disney Quest. He isn’t really that talkative, but thankfully, I talk enough for two people. Haha. Since the Disney Quest arcade was an attraction (or collection of attractions, so to speak) that was stuck in the 90s, it wasn’t as popular as it used to be. Hence the eventual closure. Needless to say, the facility wasn’t very busy.

I couldn’t help be feel that he felt forced to be there with me. It’s just those little things that I noticed. Like, he wouldn’t engage in much conversation, and it was like pulling teeth to get him to comment on much of anything. I seriously doubt he was intimidated by me since he was arguably more attractive than me and has a nicer job than I did. And at the time, I hadn’t even finished my bachelor’s degree, so it wasn’t even my academic-centric conversation topics that could have caused me to come across as pretentious. We finally did have some fun at the Buzz Lightyear ball shooting car attraction. That was enjoyable because we had to work together to pickup the balls and shoot them at other cars. Thought we made a good connection! Later on, we were talking about our favorite movies and Broadway shows. A few of them both enjoyed! Finally, some things in common.

At the close of the evening, we found ourselves at that obligatory moment when the decision has pretty much already been made whether to see each other again, regardless of what is said in parting. I, of course, really wanted to see him again and asked him. Responding in a rather aloof way, Kyle said he was going to be busy coming up, but that we could plan another time. As you can guess, that was his way of saying “no, not interested.” In my naivety, I thought his response was sincere. Texted him the next day, and no response. And the following day, the same. Strange. I thought he was interested in planning something. Well, I texted him on day three and I finally got a response. Just not the response I was hoping for. He told me that I was too clingy and that he was just too busy for me and just wanted to be “friends.” That’s what most of them say, isn’ it? I want to be friends. As cordial as that is, perhaps it would be better just to tell a guy you’re not interested and that you feel that the two of you should go separate ways. Feelings could be hurt in that moment, but at least no one would feel strung along or waiting for the other party to change their mind about going out.

I struck out again. Meanwhile, seems like every time I logged onto social media that someone else I knew was updating his or her relationship status to taken. When was it going to be my turn??? Felt a bit like Mama Rose, watching her daughters become famous when she wanted to be famous herself. Even at that time, I knew that I wasn’t getting any younger. For the most part, once you hit 25 in the gay community, your chances of landing someone are slim to none. And when you’re over 30, those slim to none chances become as rare as a wait time under 30mins at the Frozen attraction at Epcot. Being over 30 now, I can echo that the over 30 and single stigma is very real and it really is as depressing as memes make it out to be.

Some weeks after the failed attempt to date Kyle passed, and I finally got over the disappointment, I met another guy on Grindr who lived in Winter Park. Unfortunately, he had no car. Just for your information, the gay communities in Orlando and Tampa are filled with guys who don’t have cars or drive. It’s ridiculous. But, he was gorgeous! The most beautiful eyes and great smile. We’ll call him Josh. He actually wanted to have conversations and we really had a lot in common. Even down to loving to rewatch the Golden Girls and The Nanny over and over. Although he didn’t have a car, he did have a job and was in school. It puzzled me though. He lived a good 30mins away from work and he didn’t have a car. After a few days of chatting, we decided to meet up! Since he really lived way on the other side of the city, I asked him if we could meet after he got off work so that was I was only driving to SeaWorld and not all the way to Winter Park from ChampionsGate. And he agreed.

When I picked him up, the weather was simply gorgeous outside so I suggested that we go for a walk at a park—no, not a theme park. Haha. I actually can think of other activities beyond my typical weekend outings. Unless you have FaceTime’d or Skype’d, you are always just a little anxious to meet your date in person for the first time. So often, it can feel like you’re being catfish’d because they happen to take one really great photo of themselves but it’s not a great representation. To my pleasant surprise, Josh was so incredibly cute! I saw him walking out of SeaWorld and over to the curb where I was sitting in my car. Was it possible that this guy was actually into me?!? My brain just couldn’t process that. After he got in the car, we continued the conversation we were having via text. This extension was so very nice because it didn’t feel forces or canned. While driving, he reached over and held my hand. The moment his hand touched mine was almost surreal. After we arrived at the park wWe walked around the lake for quite some time. Talked about theatre, film, and more. It was quite refreshing to talk about stuff that I was interested in and wasn’t surface level conversation.

As the sun moved across the sky, I asked him if he had any dinner plans. Josh responded that he did not, so I recommended that we go to my favorite Chinese restaurant. It’s the kind of Chinese restaurant that has terrible service but fantastic food! Since the restaurant was located back towards where I lived, I asked if he wanted to come over afterwards and watch a movie. Josh thought that was a wonderful idea! While the sun was setting, we headed back to the car and eventually hit the road. Eventually, because we did spend some time making out in the car before we left downtown. When we got to the restaurant, I was so incredibly exited to inform the host that I required a table for TWO. Being a regular at the restaurant, the host was shocked that I was not there by myself.

After dinner, we heading to my house and watched “Beaches” or it may have been “Funny Girl.” Anyway. Either way, a classic gay movie/chick flick. It was so nice snuggling together in my bed. Felt wonderful. Knowing that someone liked me in that special way. After the movie, we made out and had incredible sex. And it wasn’t just carnal; there was substance there. It was really wonderful. I really thought that this was going to go somewhere nice. In the morning, we did what so many do after hooking up—the walk of shame. Only this time, my roommate texted me that he was jealous that my guy was so incredibly cute. Finally, things seemed to be going right. I was finally going to come out of a situation on top.

Over the next couple of weeks, Josh began to grow jealous when I had plans that did not involve him. Not that he wasn’t invited–he was–but not having a car himself made it difficult to join anything that I was doing because I could not drive the 45mins back an forth twice in an evening to bring him to my plans. He would also become upset when I had school work to do. One night, I was on my way to see “A Chorus Line” at the local community theatre, and he was angry that I didn’t invite him. I had school all day long and the show was in the evening. Since he didn’t exactly live next door, there was no way that I could get to him and back in time for the show. We argued for a moment on the phone, and then he hung up. Was there more that I could’ve done? I don’t know. This is a guy that I dated that I wonder if I was just not being flexible enough or perhaps I was too selfish to leave school early so I could get him. He had so many of the qualities I look for in a guy. He loved to be around me, texted me a lot, and wanted to spend our shared free days together. I often wonder that if he had a car that we would still be dating or maybe married. He is actually the last guy who ever truly demonstrated strong feelings for me. Except for this guy I dated three different times over three consecutive summers, but that’s a story later on in this book.

You know, it’s really hard to walk around the parks or even just around town and see so many gay guys who are—or seem to be—happily coupled. I realize that I do not know what’s going on at home, but on the surface I am incredibly jealous. Jealous that I have only ever wanted to express my unconditional love and affection. I want to be allowed to love someone so incredibly badly. Second to that is to have my love returned. Honestly, I have led my entire adult life without ever feeling the romantic love of another. I just want to know what it’s like to wake up everyday knowing that there is this one person who loves you more than any other—that you are special to him. He treats you differently than any of his other friends. Why does it feel like life is just laughing at me??? When I think I am about to come out on top, it’s back to the bottom again. Always back to start. Like I am the brunt of all jokes regarding love and dating. I try so hard but have nothing to show for it. I don’t even hideout at home. I am in the theme parks almost every weekend, at the cinema weekly, and (now) found a hobby in figure skating a couple times a week. I work in live entertainment and higher education so I see potential datable guys all the time and they see me. I even get up the balls to flirt with random guys I meet. It’s really hard. Hard on me. I feel like there is this huge burden on my back all the time. So often, my emotions feel nearly dead. I’ve been burnt and rejected so many times, that one would think that I would just give up on finding a boyfriend. I sometimes feel like giving up—throwing it all in.

Chapter 4

Continued from chapter 3

Start from chapter 1

So…….top or bottom? Maybe vers(atile)? Every gay guy knows that this question normally comes up within the beginnings of a more intimate conversation online or even in person. And for good reason. The worst scenario is to find out that you both have the same preference. Not to say that two guys in that scenario cannot date, but it can complicate it. Two bottoms do not make a top; however, two tops make a bottom (think for a moment). If you’re lucky, you’re dating someone who’s vers; it eliminates the aforementioned potential problem (most cases anyway). But how does one know? Well, usually if you are well-endowed, then you know that you’re predisposed to being a top. If you are below average, then generally you just realize that you’re a bottom. Unless you’re the guy that shows up later in this book that claimed to be a top, but he was sporting a 2in cock—and that was when erect. What about when you’re of average endowment? Perhaps, you’re vers.

Honestly, there are no biological rules, but I’ve made observations over the years. Now, it is usually the case that every gay guy is a bottom to some extent, because that is often the first experience. Obviously, that is not always the case. Some guys genuinely like topping or bottoming 100% of the time. And then, the vers guys are usually okay with either or enjoy flip-flopping (very hot, by the way). For most guys who came out to either themselves or others in middle and high school, they generally have some kind of encounter with either a guy who’s been out longer or someone older. Playing around with experimenting usually leads to the newbie bottoming. After that first experience, the newbie generally knows what he will prefer. Although, there are definitely times that it takes a while for a newbie to really figure out what gives him the most pleasure. Guess you just have to try, try, and try some more! Hahaha.

At this point in my life, I did not know which I preferred. When I’d watch porn, generally I would imagine I was the guy getting pounded; however, there are definitely occasions when I wanted to be the one doing the pounding and leading the fits of passion, ecstasy, and igniting unparalleled pleasure. But, at the end of the day, I just didn’t know yet. By this time, it was growing closer to the end of my CP program, and I knew I wanted to stay on seasonal/part-time, so I had to start looking for a more permanent living arrangement. I went all the conventional routes from Craigslist to conventional apartment and roommate websites. Once night, while I was on A4A, I received a message from a guy who had a room for rent in the Disney area. His name shall be Devin. Before even thinking of going to look at the place, we actually talked for a few days and really seemed to hit it off! He was telling me things like I was his second half, soulmate, or future husband. And yes, I ate all of it right up. I was certainly naive at the time. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. So, eventually he asked me if I wanted to come see it; and it just so happened that had a couple days off that I was going to use to visit my grandma who spends about 6 months in Florida about an hour and a half south of the Disney area. Devin’s place was on the way to my grandmother’s. 

I headed over to the house the night before I was going to head to grandma’s place, and I was pleasantly surprised! The house was quite nice inside and out. It even had a pool! Since he was entertainment at Disney, he had lots and lots of Disney stuff in the house. From music boxes to prints, it was all done in very good taste. The house had quite literally everything that I wanted from amenities plus a guy who has a crush on me. We chatted for a long time on the sofa, and he asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I had never been asked to stay the night before. I thought, gee I must’ve done something right for a change! He’s not annoyed with me and hasn’t commented on me being too clingy, pretentious, weird, or countless outer comments I’d heard over the months. It’s really happening. I was on my way to my first boyfriend—or so I thought. We went upstairs to his room, and then stepped into the bathroom. He asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him. This was definitely something new. But, like with any anxious explorer, I leapt at the chance. So, we undressed and stepped into the large shower. There was definitely something extremely intimate and romantic about showering together.

We began to makeout in the shower, increasing the level of steam exponentially. He grabbed my waist and pulled me in close to him and turned my head to continue to kiss me. He slowly turned me back around and seductively bent me over and began to play with my ass. It was a sensation that I had never felt before. I tensed up a little and Devin told me to relax. Increasing the level of ecstasy, he began to rim me. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. He stopped for a moment and reached outside the shower curtain and grabbed a slender black bottle. I guessed that it was lube, but I was enjoying the moment to think too much about it. And all of a sudden an overwhelming sensation enveloped my body and I gasped. It was at the moment that I knew my cherry popped. The feeling was the most incredible thing that I had ever felt before. Although, officially having legitimate sex was not something I planned and was quite unexpected. Still, I was really enjoying it. The whole thing just seemed too good to be true: affordable great house, guy who likes me, close to work and school, and my first time was in a hot steamy shower. I was soon to find out, it was. After several minutes of Devin pounding my ass, I felt that forceful urge that I was about to finish. With what little breath I could manage, I exclaimed that I was about to cum. Even before I could grab my cock, my cum shot out in a climactic finish. A feeling of euphoria swept over me. It was then that Devin shouted he was about to cum. He asked me if I wanted to be bred. Without knowing what he meant, I just said yes. And he pulled me into tightly as he finished.

After the hormonal levels decreased, I wasn’t entirely sure what happened. I definitely liked it, but was completely surprised by it. When I thought about how I wanted to cash in my v-card, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but it was what it was. After the shower, we climbed into bed together and cuddled and fell asleep. The next morning, we went to the landlady’s house and I filled out all the paperwork, paid the deposit. I asked Devin if he wanted me to stop by on my way back from grandma’s to CP housing, and he said that would be nice. While I was driving to my grandma’s I was giddy with excitement that I finally found someone who wanted to date me. Well, so I thought.

So, I went to my grandma’s place and had an enjoyable weekend. I love going down there because I feel that familial connection that I lacked during most of the year. She and I play croquet on the front lawn together, binge watch the ID channel, and she cooks up some deliciously southern dishes in her warm, inviting kitchen. By the time this book publishes, she won’t likely be snowbirding in Florida anymore. And that will be a tremendously sad day for me. I will definitely miss our weekends together. They are special to me.

On the way back, I texted Devin and told him I was on my way back. Thinking that he was going to be excited for my return, he told me that we had to do a raincheck. I was racked with disappointment because I actually left a little earlier than I normally would have in order to spend time with him. Throughout that next week, I packed up everything in my Disney apartment and finally began to move in. Devin and the other roommate were smoking on the back porch when I initially began to move in. They didn’t even offer to help. Odd, I thought, but I guess that’s just how roommates are? I thought that Devin liked me. After several trips back and forth, I finally got all my stuff moved in. By the time I finished unpacking the basics, it was too late to do any kind of visiting. Devin still wasn’t talking to me very much. At the time, I thought that he was just busy.

The next night, I went into Devin’s room while he was lying in bed, and I got up in it. Hoping that he would resume how we were the other night, he just talked with me casually and didn’t even move to flirt or anything. When he heard the other roommate coming upstairs, he asked me to get out of the bed. I did just that, and continued to my room and just fell on my bed. I received a text message from Devin explaining that the other roommate would be jealous if we were to date; so other than playing occasionally, he said that we were just roommates. I was devastated. I moved into this house thinking that Devin genuinely had romantic feelings for me, and it turns out he was just using me. I even lost my anal virginity to him. How could he just treat me this way??? I was clearly infatuated with him and he lead me on. Why would someone do that??? Of course, today, that story is all too similar to hundreds of stories. Many guys are just that—users and enjoy leading other on. As I laid in my bed, I wish I as back in CP housing because I wanted to do everything over again. Wish I had a close friend in Orlando that I could have visited. Or that my grandma was close so I could have just gone back.

In many ways, I felt betrayed. My feelings were just toys in a toy box to him. It was later on that I found out that had he known that I was a virgin, he wouldn’t have had sex with me. Was this comforting? Not at all. Although now I understand why he said that, because there is a connection that is formed with your first, whether you remain friends with that person or not. That memory will never go away, and I gave up something that I would have rather lost to a genuine friend or better yet, someone who actually loved me.

Unfortunately, hot having dealt with a breakup or anything similar before, I really became unravelled and defensive. I tried talking to Devin but he was avoiding me constantly. I finally started writing letters and slipping them under his door. Finally after several days, he texted me and told me to meet him outside. So, I headed out to the back porch and we sat and talked. After he told me how insane I was and how I was making him uncomfortable in his house, I was finally allowed to speak. I really didn’t know what to say. I tried explaining how I thought that he really liked me after all the things he said. He was shocked because he said that he was just being flirty and horny because that’s how he is with every guy. He figured that I knew that he was just being a guy. And this is when he found out that I was a virgin until that now infamous shower. That’s when he told me that he figured that I was just like him…flirty, horny, and open to whatever. Needless to say, those were not my intentions. I thought we were making a genuine connection. He asked if we could start over; and against my better judgment, I said we could. After all, I was in a lease and could not afford to pay my way out of it. So, I would much rather live at peace than fight.

Having my own room meant that I could more easily bring guys home. Living in a house with two other gay guys, we were always bringing guys home to show off to each other. Each one trying their best to outdo the other. Whereas the other two were not looking for a relationship, I was. One evening on Grindr, I struck up a conversation with a guy named Joshua (and yes that is his real name). We chatted for hours on end. He was extremely cute and had similar interests to mine. We could talk about movies, literature, Disney, and more. The holidays had passed at they point, but Valentines Day was quickly approaching. I invited Joshua over for a homemade dinner. He told me he was excited to come over, and that delighted me to the nth degree! Never before did I ever have a guy on a holiday and certainly not THE romantic holiday of the year. I was finally going to have a real Valentine’s day. Like the ones you see on TV or in the movies, or around the theme parks. I went all out. I bought freshly made pasta, I cooked a homemade sauce, homemade breaksticks, and bought a cheesecake. I had a table cloth with hearts it and chose the perfect music. Then lit the candles.

As I was making dinner, it occurred to me that I had not heard form him in a few hours. Knowing he was working, I figured that he was just busy. Time goes on, and I begin to look at the clock more and more. He was supposed to arrive at 7 o’clock but it was 7:30. I texted him, and texted him, no response. Around 8:30, he finally gets back with me, and says that he cannot make dinner because he isn’t feeling well. You may as well have plunged a rusty jagged knife into my beating heart because I was instantly in acute pain. I poured my heart and soul into the perfect Valentines Day dinner; even bought him a box of Godiva chocolates. We had plans…on a holiday. How could he just throw them away??? I was hurt, angry, and hyperventilating. Devin and the other roommate walked into the kitchen after they heard me crying, and I told them what happened. Both of them were completed pissed off. They wanted to know which Target Joshua worked at. And unfortunately, I never thought to ask him. Perhaps it sounds melodramatic looking back, but that doesn’t take away from the pain that I was feeling in that very moment.  Why did that keep happening to me??? All I ever am is kind, giving, and thoughtful. But, I just keep running into assholes who get off on hurting me.

Beyond simply getting stood up on Valentines Day, I think what hurt me the most was never having a Valentine before, and as soon as I had someone to spend Valentines with, he broke my heart. But like with any failure, even potential failures, I knew that I could not let it get me down and out. Even though I was cognizant that it wasn’t the end of the world, and that I could eventually get over it, it still hurt me very deeply. To be honest, I entertained thoughts of hurting myself. Wondering why life was so cruel to me, I felt like a ship out at sea, sinking, with no help in sight. But, thanks to The Nanny and The Golden Girls, I eventually cheered myself back up. Within a few days, I was right back to looking for a boyfriend again. Although I told myself that I didn’t want to simply hookup, as many guys will tell you, sometimes you just have to engage in a little fun while you are on the ultimate journey to find love, companionship, and adventure. One evening, I was hanging out with Etienne and a new coworker, an international CP from Australia. We will call him Leo. Leo was also another guy who went to work at Disney and ended up coming out. Shocker, right? That is definitely a pattern of many closet cases. Anyway. The three of us decided to go to the Premium Outlets to do some shopping. Fortunately for me, Leo was just as single as I was, and Etienne had been with his boyfriend for years. So, I was at liberty to be as flirtatious as possible.

After we had all finished looking around and buying a few things, Etienne headed home and I asked Leo if he wanted to come over for a little while before I took him own. See, he didn’t have a car since he was from Australia, and only in the US while working at Disney. He said sure. It was definitely apparent that Leo liked me, at least on an infatuation level. Since I knew he most likely wasn’t going to remain in the US after his program, I was not allowing myself to fall in love because I would just wind up heartbroken. He was so very attractive and that accent just made you melt. Well, we go back to my house and head upstairs to my room. Starting by watching a movie, we soon began to makeout. After a few minutes, it became clear that he did not really know what he was doing. Still, it was pretty hot and we were enjoying ourselves. I took off his shirt, then he took off my shirt, and then he took off my pants, and I quickly removed his. Then I saw it. The biggest bush ever. I asked him “don’t you guys shave down under???” He thought it was funny. But, I thought to myself, I don’t feel like searching through the jungle to find the buried treasure. But, hormones took over and I quickly ignored the shrubbery.

As we were making out and giving mutual blowjobs, I asked him which position he preferred. He responded with “oh, it doesn’t matter.” Doesn’t matter? Hmm…he must be vers. But then he drops the bomb. He tells me that he’s never really done this before. Fuck! He’s a virgin. All of a sudden, I was unsure of what to do. I mean, this is not how he should lose his virginity, but we were really getting into the moment. Perhaps it wasn’t the most smooth, but I told him that I didn’t feel like being the guy he lost it to since we were just friends (with benefits apparently), and we just finished each other off. Needless to say, it made things a little awkward at work but it wasn’t long that things went back to normal. While he was in the country, we messed around a few more times, but that’s about it. Each time I either messed around with him or with another guy, I just felt so empty. I mean, I had fun during the sexual encounter, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really desired something more and didn’t like these flings in between. I just wanted to feel special, to feel desired, to experience pleasure. But, I knew I needed something meaningful and longterm. I mean, I knew that’s what I wanted, but I just took what I could get just to have someone close to me providing me with the felling of being special, even for just a brief moment. 

Maybe you’ve been with your guy for a long time. Maybe you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t have a boyfriend but dates frequently. Maybe you don’t like dates, and only fun. But whatever the case, you know what it’s like to feel desired, wanted. That feeling of being special to someone, being attractive, being the object of affection, is something that I deeply desired, but it seemed so far away. Still does.

Chapter 5

Chapter 3

Continued from chapter 2

Return to chapter 1

What does a guy do shortly after coming out? Why, download Grindr of course! Before Grindr, it was Adam4Adam and others. Grindr has certainly taken the lead in dating/hookup apps. I honestly hadn’t a clue what to put in my profiles. I mean, I had never dated before coming out, let alone this new world. All of a sudden, every selfie I took received new scrutiny because any new selfie could be the next great Grindr or A4A profile pic. So, instead of being concerned about having a good time in the moment, I increasingly began to pay far too much attention to the selfie because it had to be one that could potentially catch the attention of a guy on social media or apps.

Very early, it became clear that age was a HUGE ASS deciding factor in whether someone would message back. Unfortunately, I was already on the down side of the prime hill because I was 24 at the time. Most profiles actually stated “no one over 25.” Today, many profiles read “no one over 29,” so the age bracket has moved, but only ever-so-slightly. And I will even admit, at the time I came out, I didn’t really chat with anyone over 29 either. Fortunately, today I realize that if you narrow your age acceptance to only 4-5 years older than you, that you can miss out on some great guys. I’ve learned it’s more about a combination of that initial physical attraction, common interests, and compatible personalities than some chronological number.

When someone doesn’t talk to you because of your age, it really hurts because that is something that you cannot change. No amount of dieting, exercising, hair products, or skin care can move that number. To all the guys I didn’t respond to who were “not in my age range” at the time, I apologize and now know what it was like to be the one on the receiving end of agism. I don’t know about anyone else who is over 30 and single, but I am constantly told that I am too old. And sometimes that is from guys who are just 3-4 years younger than me. In fact, few years ago, one night I was driving home from Universal and a guy messaged me on Grindr–out of the blue! For once, I received a message that I did not initialize. Excited to read the message, I quickly opened it. Unfortunately, it was not a pleasant message. He told me that I looked like a fucking gremlin. Guys can be so mean. Who says something like that??? Of course, I replied “that’s what your boyfriend said when I was fucking his brains out last night.” What I lack in looks, I make up for in wit. After I sent my strong reply, I fell a part in the car. I cried for miles and miles. Why would someone go out of their way to send that message to me? I hadn’t even messaged him first. Okay, back to where we were.

After weeks of sending out messages, and taking ass and dick pics, learning to effectively manscape, and learning all the right lingo, I finally scored my first date! Well, let’s be real. It was a bootycall. But I thought it was a date at the time. Hahaha. Note: if you have a twin bed—no that does not mean cuddling is more fun—it means that anything sexual will be uncomfortable with your body or head hitting the wall. But, in Disney CP housing, that’s all I had. Now, the awkward part. I had to tell my roommate that he couldn’t come in the room for a while. Literally sharing a room in an apartment or dorm makes bootycalls very hard to arrange. But, he was cool with it. So, the guy comes over and I meet him downstairs. Now what? I’ve never done this before, so I hadn’t a fucking clue what I am supposed to do. I had only ever given blowjobs to a neighbor in high school; so, if we progressed past Netflix into Netflix ’n chill, I didn’t want to disappoint.

We shall call this guy Dakota (and no Dani, this is not about your Dakota haha—that story comes later). I bring Dakota upstairs and we go into the room. For those of you who have engaged in a date/bootycall, you know the first time is always the most awkward. I thought to myself, am I supposed to just start putting on the moves while we watch TV? Do we start with conversation? Should there be drinks? Ahh!! What the hell am I supposed to do??? Since he also worked at Disney World (shocker), I just engaged in shop talk (the good ol’ default). Much like today, I was probably talking way too much. Eventually, after watching Netflix for a while, we began to venture into foreplay and then the pants finally came off! And I went down on him. I had so much sexual energy repressed over the years that I was able to deep throat without any reaction from a gag reflex. Good thing too, because he was rather well-endowed. After he moaned and grabbed my head from several minutes, he maneuvered himself into a position to 69. That next sensation I felt was unlike anything I had experiences before. I felt my blood racing, pulse quicken, every fiber of my being in a state of ecstacy. I don’t know how many minutes went by, but it was such an incredible experience. Eventually that sensation that us guys , straight or gay, get jsut before the big finish enveloped my whole body. And before I could tell him that I was about to cum, it shot out with incredible force. And as soon as that happened, with my mouth still deep throating his cock, he finished too. I didn’t know what to do except swallow. And he did the same thing. As soon as we took several breaths, he told me that was the best blowjob he ever had. Of course, he probably used that line on guys to this day. He told he that we could see each other again, and I was excited that the first guy I met after coming out wants to see me again! As you may guess, that is not what happened.

Did I get a text from him the next day? No. Was I ever going to hear from him again? No. Did I learn from my mistake? No. After a few days of not hearing from him and realizing that it was not a date at all but a bootycall plain and simple, I got back on Grindr and A4A to look for someone else. Even at this time, all I wanted was someone to fall in love with me and to be all those happy couples that just line the streets of the happiest place on earth. Within a few days and after a few conversations with this next guy (who shall be named Brian), I invited him out to see [I think it was] “The Day After Tomorrow” at the cinema followed by the club—Parliament House. We were meeting Etienne there. I was excited to show off my cute date to him. Well, Brian met me at the Starbucks closely and we chatted for a while before going to the cinema. Normally, I sit a third of the way up in the auditorium, but since I was on a date, we went all the way to the top. And yes, we held hands and flirted. I thought it was going really well. We leave the cinema after the movie and he tells me that he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t think going to the club was a good idea. Naive me, at the time, was sad but understood. Wouldn’t want him to get sick. Needless to say, that would become the first of the thousands of times I would hear “I’m not feeling well” as a way to get out of a date.

I show up at Parliament House, and Etienne is there with a few people from work. Of course he wanted to now where Brian was. I told him that he wasn’t feeling well and that he was going to text me tomorrow. Immediately Etienne chimed in and informed me that I was not going to hear from him again. I thought that was preposterous because we had such a good time—or so I thought. Expecting to hear from Brian the next day, I did not. I texted him over the next few days but no response. That is, until he finally replied with “Please stop texting me.” Of course I inquired why. BIG mistake. He told me that I was pretentious, annoying, and clingy. Ouch.

Annoying and clingy…well, we will visit those later. But, pretentious? That was news to me. I never thought of myself in that way. I always thought that I was approachable and easy to talk to. I have the gift of gab, so hardly a time passes that I am not chatting with somebody about something. I’ve always tried my best to think of other before myself too. I suppose it may come from my dynamic and wide vocabulary and impeccable articulation. But, that perception probably comes from the fact that I am always very conscious of how I come across to people, especially when I am getting to know them. When I am around my long-time friends, I am definitely more relaxed and casual. I know I am gifted with a high degree of intellect. That’s just how I am. Whereas some guys have incredible looks, or a great smile, great hair or sense of fashion, all I have is my intellect and wit. What I lack in appearance, I try to make up for in my cognitive abilities. Unfortunately, I do not have the physical appearance that helps to initially attract other guys, so I have to rely on my personality, intellect, sense of humor, and giving/caring nature. Those traits do not seem to be as highly regarded in the single gay community. Most of the time, I feel that it is far better to be attractive, naive, and broke than plain-looking, smart, and successful. In terms of Brian’s perception of me, if you have met any Virgos, then you may be able to identify with him. Sometimes I look up zodiac signs and their personality traits; needled to say, I seem to line up with a lot of what described a typical Virgo.

After not only these encounters but others just in conversation online or on apps, it was apparent that I had a lot to learn about the dating world. Most young people went on dates in middle or high school, or even early college years, but I had never been on dates before this time in my life. Yeah, I know, that’s kinda sad. But that’s due to not being comfortable with who I was in the past so I felt like I couldn’t go out with anyone. Thankfully, I became more comfortable with who I was; and the reason I was uncomfortable going out with girls when I was younger was all too clear now. Being a late bloomer, definitely put me at disadvantage. All the social skills I should have learned in middle and high school, I was just now learning. The guys I was talking to and occasionally going out with didn’t know that. In their minds, I was just weird, pushy, or clingy. I never meant to come across that way, but I suppose that is part of the learning process. I’m just doing it as an adult versus a teenager.

Chapter 4

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Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1

More than most people probably want to admit, it is usually quite difficult to move to a new state and make new friends. For me, what is socially hard for many other people, is excruciatingly difficult. All throughout my youth, I had the most difficult time making friends—with my peers, that is. I often gravitated toward my parents’ friends because I did not feel as intimidated or as fearful of rejection as I did with those in and around my age group. I suppose that after years of endless taunting and teasing as a kid throughout elementary and middle school, I became conditioned to expect the worst out of my peers. Unfortunately, that classical conditioning predisposed me to doing things that were definitely weird, and in doing so, would further alienate me from my peer group. Looking from the outside in, it would appear that I caused my own inability to fit in and thus self-generate social-anxiety and other behaviors that made me weird of my own choosing. The truth is, I had been treated so poorly by my classmates and peers that I was never able to properly develop socially and romantically. Although it was most likely the ridicule from my classmates that stunted my social development, I always had a sinking feeling that there was something different about me. But I was fearful to show it and would go great lengths to mask it.

Why is knowing that brief history necessary? It will make sense later on—believe me. Now, back to where I left off in the previous chapter. After my parents left me at my grandparents’ house, it hit me that I was, in a sense, very much alone. Thankfully, I had my grandparents and they were very supportive of my decision to pursue my bachelors degree. Having earned my associates degree at a community (technical) college, I was not prepared for the resident atmosphere of Southeastern University. I was used to everyone just going to class and going home—not spending much time making friends out of classmates. Boy, was I about to encounter a much different atmosphere.

Upon walking into my first class, I was faced with the intimidating and daunting task of selecting my seat. Yeah, yeah, I know that I am already making a mountain out of a mole hill and over analyzing this everyday scenario; but for me, I had to select a strategic seat in order to mitigate any attention I could receive. And as you have probably guessed, I selected a seat next to the window in the front of the classroom near the lectern. No one has to walk behind me, in front of me, and I won’t accidentally catch myself looking at anyone. After everyone filed into the classroom, it was apparent that many of the students knew one another and were friends. Was a hell of a lot different than what I was used to—everyone just coming in and taking their respective seats. And then it happened. The most dreaded moment in any class on the first day: introductions. I hated introductions because I was always worried that I would sound stupid, weird, say something uncool, or come off as really pretentious. To make a long story short, I gave my introduction and to my surprise, I did not spontaneously combust.

After this first class, it was basically my lunch time. I had a nearly three hour block of nothing between my first and second classes. Since I did not have much money to spend, I packed my lunch—or rather, my grandparents packed it. I walked back to my car to get my lunch and took it to the campus cafe. I walked into the quaint cafe and was overwhelmed by the social stimuli. It was overly stimulating so I left the cafe and walked back to my car to eat in there. On the plus side, I could listen to NPR while I ate. Looking at my watch, lunch had only taken up forty-five minutes. Ugh. What was I to do with the rest of that time? It was then, that I remembered that there was a commuter lounge above the recreation center. So, I selected my Streisand playlist on my iPod, placed the earbuds in my ears, and began to walk toward the student recreation center.

The room was filled with gaming consoles and well broken-in couches—the kind that you could take a nap on for hours. Fortunately, there weren’t too many people in the room so I did not feel terribly anxious. I sat at a hightop table, took out my computer, and just spent some time Facebooking and searching for jobs. Pretty soon, it was time to head to my next class. Naturally, I arrived nearly thirty minutes early to scope out the best seat. Pretty much picked the same seat. All the way by the window wall and up in the front. For my class later that afternoon, I did pretty much the same. Moving along.

On Thursday nights, I had my film appreciation class. And it’s important to know specifically which class because something will happen that begins to help me realize who I am. Anyway. Over the course of the semester, I was able to make some friends—friends that I still have to this day. One friend in particular would challenge me from the time we met until this very day. Although there were times her advice fell on deaf ears, most of the time I understood the necessity to heed her advice but was too scared or stubborn to do so. Thankfully, over time, I have learned to be a better listener and am happy to report that she still challenges me from time to time.  Other friends have become very close and dear to me and am so glad they continue to be in my life. In fact, one of my closest friends Raul and I took this class together before we became friends. He and I have been through a lot together, and I am so happy that he met the love of his life, and he and she are happily married. I was invited to their wedding, and all the groomsmen had the opportunity to speak. My speech is now infamous for being 18mins long. It’s funny how two worlds can intersect and you don’t even know it at the time.

As I generally did growing up, I made friends with my authority figures. In this case, it was my advisor and film professor. Although he already had a TA, they were generally not available to help out during the Thursday night class and I took it upon myself to offer my assistance. Later on in my college career, this would pave the way for me to be the TA during my senior year. Most of the class was spent delivering presentations with a self-selected film. We were to select various elements of the film and discuss these with the class, an elaborate critical analysis compete with segments. That previous summer is when Universal Pictures’ Mamma Mia was released, and it was definitely a film that I thoroughly enjoyed. So, naturally I picked that one because I could use song/dance numbers so that way it would be an entertaining presentation—I hoped that folks would get up and dance during the numbers. Of course, my presentation went great! Although I have severe doubts about my ability to connect socially, when I am on stage (whether teaching or performing), I come alive! I guess it’s because I feel that I can be myself on stage. After my presentation, I heard whispers in the audience regarding my sexual orientation. I was feeling uncomfortable on the inside, and realized that I either must be weird or had done something wrong.

One evening, the professor asked me to fill in for him while he was finishing up with a meeting. Perhaps this was foreshadowing my future position as a film professor! I had hoped to do some teaching, but I was only asked to play a film for the class until he arrived. Since Mamma Mia was fresh on my mind, that is the film that I selected to play for the class. And play, I did. Afterwards in the hallway, I was approached by a student who asked me if I was gay. Shocked that anyone would ask me that, I said, “no.” I was probably all confused or flustered at the inquiry. I was raised to believe that those who were gay were social deviants, and that it was wrong. I know, it seems like such an offensive and foreign thought now. But I was a different person then. So, I was scared when I was asked because it could not be true. But as Shakespeare so eloquently captured it forever in ink, “thou doth protest too loudly.”

During this semester at school, I applied for and got accepted into the Disney [World] College Program. I was very excited because I had never been to Disney World before except to visit Downtown Disney (now Disney Springs). I was also in dire need of a job because my savings was running out. If I thought the transition to living at home to living with my grandparents was tough, then I was about to go through hell—metaphorically speaking of course.

Okay, now I know I promised that you would laugh; but it’s really important to understand my past, and just why my dating life is so unbelievably sad, with a touch cruel irony.

After going home for a few weeks, it was time to return to Florida. Only this time, I was not moving back to my grandparents’ place but into Disney CP (College Program) housing. My mom and my aunt drove me down and helped me move my stuff into the new apartment. To this day, I can still smell the fresh paint and carpet. I think it was because it was my first apartment (although, I would have one roommate). I was on the third floor of the building, and had a small balcony that faced the front of the complex. Since the Disney apartments are basically empty—save some furnishings and basic kitchen ware—my mom and aunt went to the store to pickup basic household items for me while I did my in-processing for housing and Disney.

Upon returning home, my mom and aunt had a house full of supplies waiting for me. From some food to get me started to cleaning supplies. We even turned the [what would be the] laundry room into a walk-in closet for my clothes. Later that evening, we went to dinner and then to the Contemporary Resort at Magic Kingdom to enjoy the fireworks together. For my mom and I, this would be the first time that we had ever seen Disney fireworks. My aunt had been there a few times. Although it was from atop the resort, it was magical. And, I will never forget watching them for the first time with my mom and aunt.

The next morning, I met my mom and aunt at their hotel located just around the corner for the last breakfast before they would return home. Thankfully, the further in-processing that I needed to attend was not until the afternoon so I had time to spend with my family before they left. After finishing breakfast and filling me up with gas, my mom and aunt brought me back to my new apartment. They took one last walk through my apartment in order to make sure that I had everything I needed. Well, the time had come. They were going to leave me at my new place. Unlike when my family left me at my grandparents’ place, this time, I would really be alone—separated from everyone I knew. The only solace I had was that I would have my Southeastern friends again just 45mins away in Lakeland when the fall semester started. But this was May. My grandparents weren’t even at their place. Maybe it sounds silly, but I was a little scared.

But why? Looking back, I was scared because I had no social safety net. No friends in Orlando and I already knew how hard it was for me to connect with those in my peer group. There was a mixer scheduled for that evening, and against my better judgment, I decided to go. As I approached the bustling pool party, complete with drinks and the aroma of hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill, I was already way overly stimulated. I tried to sit down by the pool, but I felt that everyone’s eyes were on me. In all reality, I was probably the equivalent of a little hamlet so obscure that Google Maps couldn’t even find me. Still, that didn’t take away from the fact that I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. As I needed to eat dinner, I quickly went through the line and got my food and returned to my apartment.

The next day was Traditions. For those of you who don’t know, that is the class or series of classes one takes when starting with the Walt Disney World company. It takes you through the history of the studios and parks in order for you to gain a better appreciation for the company to take a greater sense of pride in your work. The room was filled with round tables, so that means that I would have to sit at a table with a bunch of other people that I didn’t know. So, sit I did. And so did five other people. Again with introductions. UGH! At least it was only with our small table. Turns out, I had some common interests with a couple of the people at my table and they seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. I was shocked! Normally, I was accustomed to not being given a second thought.

On the bus ride home, I was seated near those who were at my table. Since we were able to pickup our IDs (which at the time were also the employee or Cast Member park tickets), they invited me to join them in the parks. Very rarely have my peers ever invited me to do anything (up until that time, anyway). On the bus ride back to the apartments, I began to really enjoy my conversation with one of the guys from my table. But, he was totally into the girl behind us. For some reason, there was just a little bit of mild jealousy on my part—in my head anyway. Well, we all went to Hollywood Studios that evening and had a great time. That guy even attempted to show me how to swing dance while in queue for Rock ’n Roller Coaster. I began to have strange feelings for him, but I thought it was just because so few people actually tried to be friends with me.

Moving along. After I could not even pass the assessment at the attraction location to which I was assigned (yeah, I know, kinda sad—haha), I was moved over to PAC (parade audience control). If you have been to the parks, you know how the crowds can get. I go from basically being inside all day to being outside. At first, I absolutely hated working the parade route. But, as much as I hated working the parade route, I loathed working Fantasmic (Fant, for short) even more. The only good part about it is that I had the ability to get to know my coworkers more because there was definitely ample time to chat while we interacted with guests. Working PAC, I got to know my still-friend Mariana and many others. After a couple of months, I was strangely scheduled for a Beauty and the Beast shift. This was strange because, despite having requested to be trained at the show, I had not been trained. I thought that perhaps I was going to start training.

I arrived at Theatre of the Stars (TOTS) expecting to meet my trainer, and the coordinator there told me that he was unsure as to how I got scheduled because I was not scheduled for a training shift. He asked if I wanted to go back to Fant, and I quickly said “NO, that’s alright!” I don’t care what I had to do, I was just happy to not be working the parade and Fant. This mistake in scheduling would prove to be a monumental turn of events in my life.

After having been scheduled at TOTS, I requested formal training so I could be scheduled regularly. It was not very long until I was finally scheduled to be officially trained. I was very excited to see this on my schedule because the hours were much better, unless you got scheduled to work the streets during Fant. But, even then, you still got out an hour earlier than if you worked Fant. Upon arrival at TOTS, I learned that I was not the only one scheduled to be trained but there was another cast member as well. Etienne, who would later become a friend of mine (and still is to this day), was also scheduled to be trained at the same time. He came over from Rock ‘n Roller Coaster. Our trainer Carlos, who would also become a friend of mine, was quite friendly. It didn’t take long to realize that he was also very gay. Haha. Not only him, but Etienne as well. Now, keep in mind, this is still a point in my life that I have not come to terms with who I am.

I was not terribly comfortable with the comments both of them would make about park guests or other cast members. Oh, the remarks were perhaps a little sexual, but totally harmless. For me, though, it was not something I was used to. Looking back, I can totally understand why they reacted to me as they did. To them, I was a walking enigma. Now I know what they thought because it’s the same thing that I think when I encounter closet cases. There is one in particular in my life presently, and I really wish he would just come out. He’d be a hell of a lot less intense and probably more fun. And, probably really good in bed. For instance, regular topics of mine were: Broadway, cinema, theme parks, Streisand, Midler, Channing, Lansbury, Cyndi Lauper, guy crushes, etc. However, when they asked me if I was gay, I said “no, just metro I suppose.” I know, I know. You are right in that I was nothing if not short of pissing rainbows and shitting unicorns. Now, never having been friends with gay guys, this was a world that was foreign to me. They acted similar to me, talked about many of the things I thought about, and gave off similar vibes.

It was a month or so after I started working at TOTS that I was invited out to see Saw IV with Etienne and another coworker. At that point, I had never even seen the original let alone all the gruesome sequels. Technically, I still didn’t really see IV because I watched most of it through my fingers. After the movie, we all went to Planet Hollywood for apps and drinks. Over the course of dinner, the topic of my sexual preferences came up. Honestly, I wanted to be open and honest with the conflicting feelings inside me, but this just wasn’t the time. Or, so I thought. It’s so incredibly difficult to put into words the emotional turmoil my insides were. My entire life, I was brought up to believe that being gay was wrong. So, it was not possible for me to be that way because I did not believe it could be. Why me? It’s like, I had never done anything to consciously choose to be attracted to men over women. But, my whole life, the irony is that I always felt sexually attracted to guys. Never once did I make a conscious decision. It is almost as if I was born that way, not to be so cliche.

So, as I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, I decided to call Etienne. At the time, I was unsure who to come out to, but we were fairly close friends, and it felt safe. As many are, he was excited to hear that I was slowly coming out of the closet. And after I told him, there was a feeling that just went from my head to my toes. Like a giant ass burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Like with many things, honesty is the best policy. When you are honest with yourself and others, so many things that could cause you negative stress are all of a sudden not stressful at all. I was relieved. Over time, I began to come out to others. At first quietly and subtly, but eventually I just didn’t care who knew. I felt normal for once in my life. Like, I was no longer weird or an outcast. I felt like part of the group. But this coming out would present a whole new set of problems in my life, and sometimes these new problems are harder to deal with than the old ones. That group that I felt I was a part of would seemingly want very little to do with me because I did not fit the image I was supposed to in order to not be perpetually single.

Over the next few weeks, Etienne and his then-boyfriend (now partner) Anthony, would take me to my first gay clubs. It was all quite overwhelming, but it’s a world that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. I’d see lots of cute guys with their boyfriends, and I so wanted to join in the fun. Because I have never dated (or tried to date) up to this point, I had to learn the dating game really quickly. You know all those things you learn dating in high school and even in your first couple of years of college? Yeah, I didn’t learn those. So, I didn’t even know how to hit on a guy, let alone get him into my pants. I still don’t know how to successfully hit on a guy that I have a crush on or see while I am out somewhere. But if there was a medal for getting ditched at a club after buying a guy a drink or showing up to a restaurant and he never shows up, then I would have gold. Which, I would exchange for two silver medals because silver goes with everything. Every-time I learn the game, the rules change it seems. Etienne even helped me setup my Adam4Adam (Grindr did not come out until 2010) so I could begin chatting with guys. Everything had changed so radically, and here I was just running to catch up. I had a lot of bottled up love to give, and was looking for someone to take it. Life is certainly a roller coaster, and my ride was just getting started.

Chapter 3

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Preface and Chapter 1

As I work on completing the novel, I thought that you may enjoy a sneak peak. I am currently on chapter 22, and hope to be done by the end of the year. But until then, every once in a while, I will send a chapter your way.  So here you go!

Preface

Alone on another Saturday night—ugh! That moment when you realize that you’re over thirty and everyone else seems to be in or finding longterm relationships, getting engaged, or married. Realizing that you are past your prime, in gay years that is. If you know anything about the gay community, you know that as hard as it is for a heterosexual woman or man to find a relationship after thirty, it is exponentially harder for a gay male because his own community rejects him as desirable, unless he is ripped or rich. It’s a truth that is very real, but few want to address it. My desire is for this novel to (1) keep you entertained with my self-deprecating dark comedy (2) provide thought-provoking situations and (3) spark a change of greater acceptance of those who are over 30, do not have gorgeous hair,  nor are a size small in the gay community. Along the way, you will get the hilarious benefit of vicariously experiencing my dating life (or lack thereof, really). 

Okay. So, you may be wondering what possesses someone to sit down and write about this rather personal subject. Essentially, completely disrobing for the entire world, revealing the good and bad. For me, it’s a cathartic process that allows me to organize my thoughts in ways that I sometimes have difficulty expressing otherwise. Prior to having a desire to write this novel, I had kept up a prolific blog and social media (and still do) that contains my thoughts on cinema and themed entertainment, I’ve written a few screenplays and published my my graduate thesis turned book on the relationship between cinema and theme parks (a’chem, you should read that book too). I’ve always enjoyed writing, but never thought of doing it for the purposes of a novel until now. A few years ago, while my former roommate Savannah and I were eating lunch, I was complaining about being single as I often did. She pointed out that I should channel my energy into something constructive instead of just complaining because I might learn something about myself or others in the process.

At the time I started this novel, I was still a full-time graduate student with a main job and a few side hustles.  So how was I going to find time to write a novel??? Needless to say, there was not a lot of free time. But I had always been a master of scheduling my time in such a way that I maximized my Monday-Friday to have mostly open weekends. Since I started this novel, I’ve actually graduated with my M.A., work in creative services for a well-known live entertainment company and teach screenwriting at a respected university. The idea behind my mastery of scheduling my time was making sure I had time to date. I thought, if I ever found someone to date that I would like to have my weekends free so we could plan amazing adventures together. Unfortunately even to this day, I have rarely had the pleasure of spending a whole weekend with any guy that I have ever been out with or briefly dated. Thankfully today, I am still a master of organizing my time, but found a hobby in figure skating. And work with my coaches every week. I love every minute of it. It has the indirect benefit of taking my mind off guys because I am focused at growing as a skater each week. The direct benefit has been one of psychological and physiological health. I wish I had a hobby back then, but no time like the present.

Before hobbies and a career, I had lots of time on the weekends with which to do something besides complain that I couldn’t find a date and sit on Grindr and OkCupid all day while watching horror movies. My roommate encouraged me to just write down my thoughts and see if it inspired me to write more. For someone whom, at the time, was mostly concerned with academic writing, I was not too keen on the idea, but I gave it a shot anyway. And you’ll be glad that I did.

But I digress. This isn’t one of those stories where I use the next however many pages to complain about my love life and look for sympathy. It IS, however, a story in which you have the prerogative to laugh at my misfortunes. The same events that angered, pissed me off, or hurt me are the same ones I am going to take control of and bring some laughter into your life. And, if this becomes a best seller, then all the guys who are in here will scream FUCK! Because they could be sharing in my fortune or celebrity, but instead are pulling fifty-hour weeks in theme parks, working in menial retail or restaurant jobs, or simply still depending on others to drive them around due to their lack of a car. But, had it not been for all the assholes I have dated or been out with, I would probably not be writing this story, and YOU would not be about to laugh, cry, yell what the fuck, and empathize. Most importantly, you will find the following events to be very entertaining and your morbid sense of curiosity will beg for more.

At this point, you are probably thinking that I am going to take you on a long and boring journey from my childhood through adulthood, but I assure you, this will not be another painful narrative in the vein of the waste of film Boyhood. However, I must set the stage so you can learn about what makes me tick. For this, it’s only necessary to really go back to my life during undergraduate school.

Chapter 1

To quote one of my favorite philosophers, “picture it, Sicily—uhh—I mean Augusta, GA, 2008. I was working at—oh wait—you don’t even know my name. I’m Ryan. Anyway. I was working for the Medical College of Georgia (now known as Georgia Regent’s Medical School) as a property manager—sounds boring, right? Yes, it was! But, for someone who was just working on an Associate’s degree at the time, it was a great job. It is important to realize that at this time, I was not out. I mean, on some level, I was out to myself; but for all intents and purposes, I had not fully admitted to myself, let alone others. Since I have not asked anyone’s permission to use their names, I will replace all the names in this book with other ones. Of course, I will do my best to pick out names that capture my memory of them. Not long after I started my position at the university, a new staff member came on board. He first caught my eye when I was walking past the conference room where he was seated for our weekly meeting. His name was Wakeup Call. What, no good? Well, you’ll see why I think of him in this way. But to make the story flow smoother, we will call him Bryce (always liked that name).

Bryce was a recent post-graduate from William and Mary with undergraduate studies degree from Columbia. And the assets don’t stop on the academic level. He had a fair complexion, slender, medium height, with a beautiful head of jet-black hair and gorgeous green eyes.  I had no idea why I was attracted to him, but I was. This was an uneasy feeling because I felt the instant infatuation I had was wrong. Despite my brain telling me that my blood racing for this guy was wrong, my heart was telling me that there was something natural about this. I just knew that I had to make him a friend of mine.

During this time, I was really struggling in my math class at the community college I was attending. This was after having earned an F and D in college algebra prior. Since Bryce had a Master’s degree in a science-related area, I figured that he must be good at math. Eventually, I asked him if he would be interested in tutoring me in math for $20 a week. Being the nice guy that he was, he agreed. I was hoping that he was going to offer to have tutoring at his place, but we ended up agreeing to go out to eat once a week and go over my math homework.

This professional relationship continued for the duration of the following semester and a friendship grew from it. There were a few times that a group of us from the office would hang out and go out for drinks or catch a movie. It was really fun spending time with him. But, my conscious and subconscious were about to take off in two separate directions faster than ABC distanced itself from Rosanne. Following the close of the semester when our weekly tutoring sessions also ended, I decided to get him something as a token of my appreciation. Over the course of the time we spent together, I learned that he did not own a DVD player. Since the prices of DVD players had dropped significantly over the years, I decided to buy him one and leave it at his office door. This would become a decision that would greatly impact my life.

So, I went to Target and picked up a DVD player that was reasonably priced so that he wouldn’t feel bad that I had spent a lot of money. I decided to be cute and wrap it up and address it to him. Since not many people knew his middle name, I used his full name is the addressed to section of the wrapped package. Here’s where I failed: instead of putting my name on the package, I just wrote “me” with a smiley face. Before you think that it was all cute and stuff, here’s how it went down:

I had just finished getting my hair cut at the salon and received a call from Bryce. I answered it in my usually cheery voice and then that’s when all hell broke loose. Here I was thinking that I was doing something cute for someone who helped me pass my math class and I was being accused of causing major trouble. Before I could say much of anything after “hello,” Bryce asked me in a very stern voice if I had left a package for him outside of his office door. I replied yes. Then he proceeds to tell me that it was treated like a bomb and for me never to give him anything again and he asked me to not talk with him again outside of work-related information.

He hung up the phone, and I was crushed. I started balling my eyes out and got into my car. Part of me wanted to drive into oncoming traffic because I just felt like killing myself. How could something so nice turn into something so horrible? Deep down, I was confused and scared as to why this was affecting me as negatively as it was. I was upset that I caused problems. But what was strange is that I was even more upset that I ruined my friendship with Bryce. It was so utterly crushing that I seriously thought of committing suicide. Since I worked in a medical university, I contacted a coworker who was an instructor and medical professional. I poured out my heart to him and explained that I felt that I was a danger to myself and possibly others. He asked me if I thought I was in danger of doing anything immediately, and I assured him that I did have my wits about me enough not to do anything.

The following morning, he and I met in my office and he asked me if I wanted to speak to his wife that was an RN in the emergency medicine department. I agreed and he set up a meeting for us during lunchtime. We met at the Zaxby’s just up the road from the university and she and I sat down and chatted. After a long conversation, I agreed to check myself into the ER before I was forcibly checked-in and Baker Acted. I was so scared because I had never felt like I was going to lose my mind before. Thankfully, since my friend’s wife was my ER nurse, she made sure the check-in was painless. I met with the doctor and he began to question me about what brought me into the ER. The doctor asked if I wanted her in the room with me, and I told him that was fine. I felt comfortable with someone I knew.

I explained the situation and did my best to convey why I felt the way I did. The next question the doctor asked me would stick with me for a long time. He asked me if I considered myself straight. And, I responded, “well, of course.” It was at the moment that the doctor looked at my friend’s wife with eyes that conveyed a feeling of disbelief. I thought nothing of it at the time, but I can completely understand why he conveyed that feeling in the room. Following my triage, I was moved to the classic padded room where I would remain under observation for several hours. During his time, I found myself exploring my feelings for Bryce and if it really was more than regular old friendship. Needless to say, I was convinced that my feelings were not beyond friendship and that I must be subconsciously struggling with something else.

A condition upon my release was that I would see a psychiatrist for medication and follow up with a psychologist afterwards. As someone who’s always struggled with weight (until the last few years), I was not too keen on medication because many psychiatric meds are prone to causing weight gain. I was finally sent home, but really felt like there was something wrong that needed to be diagnosed. For all those who have ever joked about the padded room—I’ve been there—and although it’s fabulous material for a joke, it’s definitely no laughing matter to experience it. However, I think stories like that can be the basis of great self-deprecating humor. And, when you’re not blessed with incredible good looks or a killer body with a great metabolism, one’s survival can be dependent upon the ability to make others laugh.

I was obviously late getting home, and my parents were inquisitive as to where I’d been. There is no way in hell I could tell them about what happened. After all, I’m supposed to be the stable child. Looking back, maybe it would have been best to talk with them about my experience. But, even though I kinda new I was gay on the inside, I really convinced myself that there is no way that I could be. So, I proceed to see the counselor and take my meds. Never having been on meds before, I could definitely feel the affects of the medication on my energy level and demeanor. It was like everything was okay no matter how bleak. Knowing that I did not want to become dependent on antipsychotics, I took the medication as instructed and was off of them after six months.

After a psychotic breakdown at work, you can imagine that they began to look for ways to fire me or pressure me into resigning. Well, they found one. Okay, now to understand this, let me explain. The guy I had a subconscious crush on at work was a big New York Yankees fan. Directly across the hall from his office was one of the department heads—he was a die hard Red Sox fan. After a baseball game in which the Red Rox beat the Yankees, the supervisor came into Bryce’s office with Bryce’s Yankees ball cap on his cock. There was a huge shit storm after that. Professional and sexual lines had been crossed in a public institution. After I got wind of that, I just knew I had to do something. After all, I still had this weird attraction to Bryce even though he made it apparent that he never wanted to see me again.

Since my department has a contract with the FBI, I decided to call the FBI and tell them what was going on so that they do not get attached to the scandal. Needless to say, when the department was looking for a way to fire me, they went through phone records on our company Blackberrys and found the DC area code on mine. After a few different meetings, it was decided that it would be best for me to resign. The only reason they didn’t fire me is because I had a lot of dirt on them. I was permitted to work for three more months as I look for another job. It was during this time that I decided I was going to pursue my bachelors degree after finishing my Associates that December. I had heard many ads on the radio for a great film program at Southeastern University in Lakeland, Florida. I concluded that I wanted to go to SEU for my degree and I could live at my grandparents’ place about 60 miles away. This decision would prove to impact my life far more than I could have ever expected.

Chapter 2

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